


Back From the Edge

by captainnperfecthair



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awesome Gaila (Star Trek: AOS), Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorders, Flashbacks, Harm to Children, Kid Jim, M/M, Momma Bear Jim Kirk, POV Leonard McCoy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bones, Psychological Trauma, Self-Destructive Behavior, Tarsus IV, Winona Kirk Ships McKirk, because I love pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainnperfecthair/pseuds/captainnperfecthair
Summary: October, 2257: the ten year anniversary of the Tarsus IV Massacre. Jim Kirk is getting by like he usually does around the time of the anniversary until one of his instructors assigns a reading that brings all the horrors of Tarsus back to the surface. And Leonard McCoy, clueless of his boyfriend's past, finds himself at a loss. With only a cryptic warning and a request to look after her son from Winona Kirk, Leonard begins to piece things together himself and help Jim cope with the trauma. And while the horrors of Tarsus will continue to haunt him, Jim finds solace in finally speaking to someone about what happened and knowing he's got Leonard McCoy looking out for him.





	1. Trouble Found Me

**Author's Note:**

> I've always wanted to write a Tarsus IV fic. Why? I guess 'cause I'm a masochist, I dunno. But I finally did it! Hopefully it's as emotional and worthwhile a read as it was to write. 
> 
> Please be aware that this fic mentions starvation, a massacre, gun violence, death of children, and trauma. So if you're triggered by any of these kinds of things, I don't advise you read this cause it may trigger you. And I certainly don't want that!
> 
> Title is from a song by James Arthur of the same name. Definitely check this song out, cause it's literally perfect for Jim. Especially in relation to Tarsus.
> 
> If you enjoy, please leave a comment or at least a kudos. I've worked really hard on this for a long while. Not to mention, comments makes me far more motivated to finish writing the rest of this. ;D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song Roots by Imagine Dragons. Since trouble absolutely does seem to find Jim Kirk, and this song just like this story is all about going through hell but becoming all the stronger for it, not weaker.

_ Foreign Diplomacy is a class with far too much reading _ , Leonard thinks as he catches his eyes fluttering and his mind wandering once again while he tries to slog through the lengthy text assigned for homework. And while he’s been told by his advisor, by his professor, and by his goddamn brat of a boyfriend, Jim Kirk, why he needs to take this course he still doesn’t like it. It makes the coursework a little tougher to bear, but he’s been through worse.

 

Rubbing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Leonard turns the page and presses onward until the chime of his communicator stops him. Looking over to his desk from where he’s perched on his bed, he sees just enough of the screen to make out the name ‘Kirk’ before he sighs, reaches over, and plucks the device off the desk.

 

Flipping it open without further ceremony, Leonard starts, bracing himself to deal with the Piece of Work that is  _ miraculously _ his boyfriend. “Shouldn’t you be in class, darlin’?” he asks with more affection than annoyance. In all honesty, he’s happy for the distraction. He can sense his brain starting back up again.

 

The voice on the other end of the line that responds is most certainly not Jim’s, however. With a warm laugh, a woman responds, “I assume I’ve reached the infamous ‘Bones’ my son keeps telling me about.”

 

Oh, well now he’s fully alert again. Leonard’s eyes widen as he realizes who it is he’s speaking to. He sputters for a moment before finally regaining his voice. “Commander Kirk. I’m sorry, I didn’t--I thought--”  _ There goes the favorable first impression. _

 

Commander Kirk lets out a bubbly laugh. “It’s all right, Dr. McCoy. Please, you’ve no need to apologize. It’s an easy mistake to make. One time I didn’t look at the ID on my comm when I got an incoming transmission, either, and I assumed it was George. God, I was so embarrassed when it turned out to be our Chief of Engineering and I realized I’d called her ‘babe.’ And ah...began to tell her about my lack of uniform...amongst other things.”

 

Leonard feels his own cheeks redden. Taken aback by the unexpected casualness and the anecdote --which isn’t all too surprising given Jim’s penchant for amusing anecdotes and over sharing, but which has caught him off guard in that it’s essentially paralleling herself and George to him and Jim-- Leonard gives a weak laugh in reply. “I can imagine it would be, ma’am, but Jim’s got too much natural charm to come from just one parent, so surely you were more than capable of smoothing over that awkward encounter.”

 

At this, the Commander absolutely roars with laughter. “My God, Leonard, you really are a trueborn Southern gentleman! But, dear, please, no ‘ma’am’. And no ‘Commander Kirk,’ either.”

 

“My apologies, but I’m afraid that leaves my options a little slim here.”

 

“Just call me Winona. Plain and simple.”

 

His Southern instincts are twitching at how wrong the name sounds being used by a man who has never even spoken to Jim’s mother before, but Leonard “Bones” McCoy tells himself this was probably to be expected. Winona Kirk doesn’t seem like the type to stand on ceremony, much like her son. “Yes, ma’-- Sure thing, Winona. That I can do.”

 

“Your mom did a good job with you, Leonard.”

 

“It was either that or face the swift justice of a wooden spoon on the back of the hand,” Leonard jests, earning another round of laughter from Winona.

 

“Ah, so that’s the secret? I could’ve benefitted from that eight or so years ago!”

 

“I dunno if a wooden spoon would’ve done you any good, Winona. I don’t imagine any wooden spoon would’ve stopped Jim from doing what he wanted.”

 

“True enough,” Winona says with a chuckle. “Now,” she continues when the laughter has died down, and Leonard silently notices the shift in tone that is markedly more sober and hushed, “I wish I was just calling to make small-talk, but unfortunately there’s something else I’m calling about.”

 

“And that is?”

 

“Jim. I’m worried about him.”

 

“I know he can be a reckless idiot who likes to get himself into trouble and run his mouth off, but Jim’s really turned into an almost model cadet. He’s doing well. What’s worrying you, ma’am?”

 

“Leonard--” she cuts in, although the warning has no heat in it. She sounds amused rather than angry.

 

Realizing his mistake, Leonard amends himself. “Sorry. Habit. My deepest apologies.”

 

“It’s hard to explain since it’s not my story to tell, but this time of year tends to be rough for Jim. I just wanted to make sure he’s doing all right.”

 

The worry laced in her voice makes Leonard’s heart sink. She sounds more than just a little worried; she sounds terribly concerned and outright distressed. True to what must be Kirk fashion, Winona hides it well, but Leonard’s gotten good at reading people and, especially, people with the name Kirk. “Yeah, he’s fine as far as I can tell. Why wouldn’t he be?”

 

“I--Well, I can’t really say. Like I said: not my place to do that. But if you could just... keep an eye on him for me? I mean a closer eye than usual, that is. I know you already watch out for him, but just be on your guard.”

 

“Of course. You should know, Winona, I would never let anything happen to him as long as I can help it.” He wants to do all he can to assuage her fears, sensing how deeply they must be plaguing her within where no one else can see. And he wants her to know he cares about Jim more than he knows how to articulate; to a point that’s almost scary. He wants Winona to be assured that Jim’s in good hands.

 

“You’re a sweet boy, Leonard. I’m glad he’s got you looking out for him. Keep me posted, okay?” Leonard nods, even if she can’t see him doing so. “If something happens and you’re not sure what to do or what to say, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m on the  _ Lexington  _ in deep space right now, but I’ve worked out emergency channels with the Chief of Communications and the Captain here to ensure that if I need access to long range subspace transmissions, then I have it.”

 

“Absolutely. I’ll be sure to reach out if the need arises, but I’ve got enough experience handling him in all kinds of crazy moods. I think I’ll be able to manage,” Leonard says with a small smile and a reassuring voice.

 

“Careful, Len. Just when you think you know him, he winds up surprising you once again and driving an antique corvette over the side of a cliff,” she says teasingly, but there’s something in her tone that’s not so light-hearted and the laughter that punctuates the end of that statement is strained, almost pained.

 

“Jesus, I’m sorry,  _ what _ ?”

 

She sighs. The kind of sigh that Leonard gives when he’s finished a long and particularly merciless shift and he feels tired straight down to his bones. “Like I said: kid’s full of surprises.”

 

“Crazy, reckless space cowboy…” he mutters, rolling his eyes just thinking about the ridiculous idiot he’s found himself emotionally attached to.

 

Winona laughs. “Thank you, Leonard. For looking out for him.”

 

“My pleasure, but don’t tell him I said that.”

 

“I’d best get back to work. Keep in touch.”

 

“Will do. Take care, Winona. Nice finally talkin’ to you.”

 

“You, too, Leonard. I can see why he loves you.” And with that, Winona Kirk ends the call and Leonard is left staring at his communicator. Stunned at her parting words, Leonard takes a moment to just sit there for a moment and process whatever the hell just happened. But there’s a twist in his gut as he wonders just what it is that makes October such a rough month for Jim. What could be so bad that it made his mother feel inclined to call Leonard for the first time ever to check up on her son; to ask him to keep her in the loop about how he’s doing all of a sudden?

 

He’s glad the conversation seemed to go well and that she seems to like him, but he’s got a niggling feeling that something’s not right. Or, more accurately, something is about to go very wrong.

 

Perhaps the next several days would have gone by normally had Winona not called and raised his guard, but once Leonard starts looking for signs of concern, he begins to see them everywhere.

 

When he meets Jim for lunch the next day, Jim’s appetite isn’t as large as Leonard expects it to be. The guy  _ constantly  _ skips meals without even  _ realizing  _ it, claiming he’s busy or not feeling hungry or that he’s cryptically just ‘used to’ skipping over a meal or two whenever Leonard gets on his case about it. Of course, as soon as he sits down for a meal he’s suddenly and ridiculously ravenous and eats like a bear preparing for hibernation. One time Leonard saw him eat an entire pizza pie all by himself. 

 

But on this particular day, when Leonard finally looks across the table after they’ve both retrieved their meals, he notices the meager meal Jim has assembled for himself. His tray contains only a few slices of bread with a slab of butter on the side, some cheese, and an apple. He frowns. “That hardly seems like enough food for you, Jim.”

 

Staring down at his food rather bleakly, Jim shrugs. “Not really feeling too hungry today,” he explains before picking up his apple and biting into it.

 

Something about the answer and Jim’s demeanor doesn’t seem right, but everybody’s got their off days.  _ Even Jim _ , Leonard reminds himself. So he leans forward and drives his fork into his own meal.

 

Twenty minutes later, Leonard is just finishing up his lunch. Jim is idly chattering on about some course of his while absently nibbling away at the core of the apple, seeming more like himself again. Leonard wonders if the meager meal he’s eaten has anything to do with it. Either way, he’s glad for the improvement in mood that Jim sustains until Leonard decides he’s finished, sets his fork aside on the tray, and gets up to dispose of it. Jim pauses, mouth poised to take another bite of the apple he’s still nipping at, and makes a weird keening noise. 

 

“Wait a second. You’re throwing that out?”

 

Leonard freezes, tray in hand, and raises an eyebrow at him. He feels inclined to retort with a comment about the apple  _ anyone  _ else would’ve thrown out by now. He can’t even truly figure out what Jim could still be gnawing at if not the damn core itself given that there’s no real flesh left on the apple. Sensing this is not the time for any kind of ribbing however, he refrains. “Yeah, I’m finished.”

 

“But…” Jim stares at the tray with wide, sad eyes, then back up at Leonard like he’s committing some sort of felony, “But there’s still food on your plate.”

 

Looking down at his plate, confused, Leonard surveils the remnants of his meal. “Well, yeah, just a little bit. Maybe a spoonful of corn, a bite of a roll that was getting hard to chew, and a green bean or two. The rest is just chicken bones, Jim.”

 

“Don’t toss it out. That’s good food, Bones.”

 

Leonard huffs out a small laugh. “I don’t think I could eat another bite if I tried, Jim. I’m full. But if it’s really botherin’ you, then--”

 

“Here,” Jim says, motioning with a hand for Leonard to pass the tray over to him.

 

He blinks, brows raised in surprise at the forcefulness and urgency with which Jim speaks. He hands it over. “Go crazy, kid. Want me to throw that out for ya while I’m up?” he asks, gesturing to the apple core in Jim’s free hand.

 

For a brief moment, there’s panic in Jim’s eyes as he looks from his boyfriend to the apple. “No, I’m not finished yet.”

 

“Darlin’, is there even any meat left on that thing at this point?” he asks lightly, teasingly.

 

Jim looks unamused but also a little bit cornered, like a kid with a precious toy or blanket that he’s being asked to part with. It twists Leonard’s gut in a funny and unpleasant kind of way. “I said I’m not done, Bones. What’s it to you? I’ll throw it out myself later.”

 

“All right, fine. Just tryin’ to be helpful,” he says, raising his hands in surrender. He sits back down and waits as Jim finishes the rest of his meal for him. 

Jim’s still got the apple in his hand when they split off to head to their respective classes, practically sucking on the bare core of the damn thing at this point but still reluctant to relinquish it to any waste bin. Leonard says nothing about it and heads to class.

 

A shift at the Academy clinic late into the night after classes means Leonard doesn’t see Jim again until the following afternoon during lunch hour. Once more, Jim’s meal is a meager one, but he eats absolutely every last morsel. He chats, and Leonard responds minimally, concerned with finishing his own meal and also being a man of few words to begin with. As his own tray begins to clear, Jim becomes increasingly invested in Leonard’s eating habits more than his own. He thinks Jim’s trying to be subtle about it, but the furtive glances between Leonard and the food remaining on his tray are hardly inconspicuous. He draws no attention to them, letting Jim obtain his piece of mind without scrutiny. Knowing that he himself is under scrutiny, Leonard makes it a point to eat every single scrap of his food this time. The sandwich, the pickle, the chips... everything. 

 

He looks over at Jim and his tray once he’s done. “Finished?” he asks, and Jim steals a glance at Leonard’s tray before he nods, seeming satisfied, and gets up from the table. They return their trays to the kitchen and walk across campus to their shared Crisis Negotiation and Response course. Despite it being the Starfleet equivalent of a college gen ed, hence the reason why he and Jim are in it together, it’s one of Leonard’s favorite courses this semester. It’s rather repetitive in some spots because he was, after all, an experienced trauma surgeon before coming to Starfleet Academy, but it’s interesting to learn more about crisis response and how Starfleet’s branches work in tandem during crises to help those who are in need. This course, unlike other Starfleet “gen eds,” is the most relevant and interesting to him yet.

 

Usually, Jim is equally if not more invested than he is, but today Jim seems to have drawn into himself. He seems to have his body here in the lecture hall, but his mind is somewhere else further off. Leonard wonders exactly where. 

 

At the end of the class, their instructor tells them their reading assignment for next class, in which they’ll be discussing a very terrible but important crisis that they can learn a great deal from by studying. Many students reflexively switch screens on their PADDs to access the files that have been sent to them. Leonard follows suit. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Jim do so, too, albeit with a kind of wariness. 

 

Leonard opens the file and feels his blood run cold. The reading is on the Tarsus IV Massacre. It includes several first-hand accounts from Starfleet officers, statements from a couple of colonists, as well as other primary source data files. Leonard sighs, heart heavy at the mere idea of having to revisit this awful tragedy when hearing about it ten years ago was horrible enough. 

 

Age nineteen and in college at the time, he remembers hearing people whisper about it across campus at Ole Miss, watching the news reels about it, listening to the few interviews they could get from the Starfleet personnel who had been there or those colonists willing to speak about the horror they had survived. What had really cut him to the core, though, were the photographs of the starved children and the stories of children who had lost their parents or worse, parents who had lost their children. 

 

His stomach churns just at the thought of having to read about this and discuss it all over again. Most of the Federation, Leonard is pretty sure, feels the same way. They avoid talk of Tarsus like actors avoid saying ‘Macbeth’ on stage (a ridiculous tradition that  _ still _ somehow lingers on). It’s an unspoken taboo.

 

Jim, it seems, is no exception. The kid’s turning pale, a haunted look in his eyes as he stares down at his PADD grimly transfixed by its content.

 

“...you all to have read and be ready to discuss next class. If anyone has any questions or concerns about the reading and the discussion next week, please contact me either after class or privately. I understand that this is a difficult subject, and normally I’d pick another crisis to investigate with this class, but given the fact that the ten year anniversary is in a couple of days, I thought we might as well tackle the subject in a meaningful way. It was a critical and devastating mismanagement of a crisis on the Federation’s part; one we must continue to learn from and never forget so we can ensure something like it never happens again. That being said, you’re all dismissed. See you next class,” the instructor finishes, and with that the class begins to pack their things.

 

Leonard shuts off his PADD and stuffs it in his bag. He’s scooting out of his chair when he notices Jim hasn’t even moved. His glassy eyes are still fixed on the screen before him. His face is an ashy gray. Leonard has half a mind to drag Jim over to the Academy clinic.

 

“Jim?” He calls out, trying to gently reach his boyfriend and pull him out of this trance he seems to have gotten stuck in. “Jim,” he says a bit more firmly this time, reaching out to grab Jim’s shoulder.

 

The younger man jumps, head snapping up until wide, watery eyes meet his. Jim looks panicked and embarrassed, like he’s been exposed doing something he didn’t want anyone to see.

 

“Christ, Bones! Don’t do that!” he says breathlessly before casting a look around to see that most of the class has already exited the lecture hall. Shakily, he turns off his PADD and shoves it hastily in his bag. Leonard silently notes that his hands are trembling.

 

“Sorry, Jim. You all right?”

 

“Yeah,” Jim gruffly answers as he stands, grabbing his bag. “‘Course. I’m fine.” The thick, strangled nature of it is utterly unconvincing. 

 

“Quite a bit of heavy reading, huh,” Leonard casually notes as they exit the room. 

 

Jim quietly hums in agreement but says nothing else. When they exit the building, he makes up some excuse about meeting up with his flight squad to go over maneuvers before one of their flight tests later this week and runs off. Leonard is left to cross the quad himself with a very unsettling feeling blossoming in his gut.

 

He calls Winona after his next, and last, class of the day.


	2. So He Won't Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for the lovely, overwhelmingly positive feedback on the first chapter! I hope you like this chapter and the rest of the story just as much!
> 
> Also, I apologize for the late update. I meant to post this chapter a few days ago but I just picked up a second job. It's been a little hectic and I've been working a lot which has left me veeerrrrryyyy tired. Thanks for bearing with me!
> 
> Heads up: There are mentions here of Joanna McCoy and they will make you sad. Sorry. So many Bones and Winona parallels. They just sorta happened!
> 
> Chapter title taken from the song So He Won't Break by The Black Keys.

By the time he makes it to his and Jim’s quarters, he’s shaking. He’s worked himself up into a dreadful frenzy at this point, mind buzzing with all sorts of horrific revelations and connections that he wishes he wasn’t so suddenly great at making.

 

“ _ Dammit _ , Jim!” he brokenly hisses to himself as he sits down at his desk, the energy seeping out of him as he does. The air seems thick and difficult to breathe and the gravity hasn’t changed, of course, but he feels the world’s weight on his shoulders like he never has before.

 

But he has to remind himself that none of this is anything more than conjecture at the moment. Leonard has been given no confirmation, although his psych degree and his intuition tell him that he’s  _ right _ \--and by God, what a horrible, horrible time to be right. Before he finds Jim --who, at any rate, needs some space before Leonard hunts him down and tries to get him to talk about things-- he needs confirmation, and there’s only one person he’s going to get it from.

 

After Jim’s behavior recently, he needs answers. As much as he needs them, though, he’s absolutely _terrified_ about being right about his suspicions. He can’t imagine _Jim_ \--brave, brilliant, fiercely independent, energetic, charming Jim-- being a survivor of the Federation’s worst disaster in recent history. And being six years older than Jim, Leonard has already calculated that Jim would’ve only been thirteen at the time of the massacre. _Thirteen._ Just a kid. Just old enough to know _exactly_ what was happening; perhaps to even piece together what was coming like many of the adults had before it arrived, and to remember _all of it_ in pristine, bloody detail.

 

He sits there at his desk for a long moment, trying to compose himself before he makes the call. The idea of doing this in their room unsettles him, as a small part of him fearfully wonders if Jim will return to find Leonard in cahoots with his mother and having hidden it from Jim the whole time, but it’s the best and only place he can think of. The concern that Jim will come back while he’s making this call is irrational, anyway. He knows Jim won’t return to their room right now. He’ll want to be by himself for a while. Leonard knows his habits by now. Whenever he’s distraught, he usually goes off to stew for a while before he finds Leonard or anyone else.  _ If  _ he finds anyone else. Leonard’s still trying to teach him how to lean on people, but it’s tough when Jim has been locking his feelings away for years. 

 

Jim has had this routine for a decade now, and the Jim Kirk way is not easy to reverse. But Leonard has at least managed to get him to return from his isolation, having worked through some of his problems, and talk about them. It’s progress.

 

By now they have a system worked out where Jim hides himself away from the world for a while and Leonard gives him his space. It’s an unspoken agreement between them that even though he knows where Jim goes to have his much needed space, he doesn’t immediately seek Jim out unless he’s truly afraid Jim is going to do something fantastically dumb like catch his death from the cold or pneumonia from the rain or get swallowed by the San Francisco fog.

 

Jim’s spot is perhaps the only place on campus one can feel so completely alone. Their dorm room is the only other private, secluded place Leonard knows of from which to make his call to Winona from. That’s one of the downsides of being here at the Academy. As large as the campus is, there are very, very few private corners of its many acres in which to make a call that requires such a level of privacy as this one. Then again, he’s not Jim Kirk. Leonard likes to hole himself away from the world with solid, concrete walls and obstacles that prevent anyone from passing through those walls to disturb him before he’s ready to come back out. Jim Kirk likes to find secret hideaways, usually somewhere out in the wild, and find solace in the outdoors. Leonard hates the outdoors. 

 

If he’s right about his suspicion, he’s beginning to understand why Jim prefers the outdoors to rooms and walls. Perhaps he’s been confined too often throughout his life to rely on walls and doors for protection and privacy. Perhaps those walls have too often proved not to be enough distance or protection. He recalls the few stories Jim has told him about Frank...

 

Having reassured himself he has the privacy he needs to make this call, Leonard doesn’t waste anymore time. Adjusting himself in his chair and smoothing out his uniform shirt, he follows the instructions he was given on how to reach Winona Kirk on the  _ Lexington _ , wherever the fuck in space she might be, and waits for the other end of the screen to come to life.

 

Winona takes a surprisingly short time to answer his call, and when she appears on screen, she appears a little out of breath and more than a little worried. He can see she’s sitting in her quarters at her own private terminal and in her engineering uniform. She was probably in the middle of a shift and was comm’d by someone in communications or perhaps by the captain himself to tell her there was a call waiting to be taken in her quarters from her emergency channel.

 

Tucking back a stray blonde curl that had slipped out of her braid, Winona gives him a weak smile. “Leonard, I’m glad you were able to reach me okay.”

 

Leonard smiles back, wishing it contained more sincerity and less effort. “Yeah, no problems there. But Winona, I--I think I know what it is about this time of year that makes it such a tough time for Jim and I don’t really know what to do with that information. I’m not even sure I’m right, but...but before I talk to Jim about it, I need to follow up with you.”

 

Winona shakes her head and sighs. “I figured it wouldn’t take you long. You’re a bright one, Leonard. Even if Jim hadn’t told me, I would’ve noticed that right off the bat.”

 

Leonard huffs in amusement. “Quite the flatterer you are, Winona. I see where Jim gets his charm from.” Then, sensing Winona likely has the same skill in deflection and diversion in order to keep a conversation going without the conversational partner even realizing it’s not going the way they wanted it to, Leonard cuts straight to the chase. He’s never been one to beat around the bush, even with tough conversations. Despite his closed off nature, Leonard says what’s on his mind when he feels like he truly needs it to be said, and even with tough conversations, he doesn’t try wasting time dancing around the topic. He just jumps right in.

 

Taking a deep breath, Leonard dives in. “It’s Tarsus, isn’t it? The Massacre. Jim’s a survivor. He was on the colony, wasn’t he?”

 

Winona closes her eyes, lowering her head and biting her lip. Wordlessly, she nods.

 

“But you weren’t,” Bones says slowly, realizing this only now. Winona  _ had _ mentioned this was a hard time for  _ Jim.  _ That it was  _ Jim’s  _ story to tell, not hers. “It was just Jim, not the both of you there.”

 

She silently nods again, bringing a hand up to her cover her eyes. Leonard gives her a few moments to collect herself, seeing that she’s falling apart at having to discuss this. Leonard feels like he’s floating above himself, watching it all take place but not really a part of it all. He just can’t wrap his head around the fact that Jim Kirk -- _ his  _ Jim!-- was on Tarsus IV and survived it. And he never fucking knew. He can’t--he doesn’t  _ want  _ to imagine a little thirteen-year-old Jim Kirk with sunken, yellow skin running and hiding for his life, scavenging for food and withered away to barely more than bone.

 

Finally, Winona wipes her eyes wearily and looks back up at him. “I was a shitty mother, Leonard. Before he went away, I was the worst. When he was little, I was home, but I was distant and unresponsive. He was such a bright, vibrant kid with so many questions and observations about the world, so many things he wanted to tell me and learn from me, but I never felt like I had the energy for him or the heart. I was still mourning George, even years after I’d lost him. His death hit me so hard. I felt I was drowning in the dust and the fields of Nowhere, Iowa with two little boys who looked and acted  _ just  _ like their father, and I didn’t know how to handle them on my own. Not without George.”

 

Her story reminds Leonard of the period right after his divorce. It had been a year before he’d joined Starfleet and met Jim; when he’d finally begun to pull himself out of that dark place the divorce and the loss of Joanna had put him in.

 

“When they were older, I was constantly away on missions for  _ months  _ at a time. Jim would try to make calls to me to ask where I was, what I was doing, whether he’d ever get to come with me, when I’d be back...I always gave him the shortest, vaguest answers. God, I was just--I can’t justify it, Leonard. It was terrible of me. He just wanted to spend time with his mother, to know her, and I wasn’t there. I was too busy running off into space, hiding away from my kids and sinking into my ‘Fleet routine, imagining that maybe the deeper in space I went the less I’d ache to have George back…”

 

Leonard feels his own heart ache. He can’t imagine losing someone he loves as much as Winona clearly loved George. He doesn’t dare imagine how he’d react to losing  _ Jim _ . By no means was she right in what she did to her sons, but Leonard can understand it. 

 

“It was all deranged and twisted thinking. Looking back on it now I’m so ashamed I acted like that for so long. Leonard, I was like that for  _ twelve years _ , and by then Sam had run away again and stayed gone and Jim was this lost little boy, feeling his whole family falling apart and not knowing what else he could do about it except drive a damn corvette off a cliff in some wild, desperate attempt to keep it together.

 

“And it was the corvette incident that led to him being put on Tarsus,” she admits at last. “It was technically his father’s car, but my brother Frank was home with him at the time and he’d taken the car for himself. I’d asked him to move in with us and watch the boys whenever I was away on missions once Jim had turned five and started school. I had--I had no idea how horrible he was to them, Leonard. Or maybe I did, and I just refused to believe it. Didn’t want to have to return home and leave space, the only place I felt I could function and be close to George again. But at any rate, Frank deemed the car his own since obviously the boys were too young for it, and he apparently told Jim to shine and polish it one day.

 

“It was the day that his older brother, Sam, decided to run away for good.”

 

Leonard heaves a deep breath. “Oh, no.”

 

“Sam got it into Jim’s head that he wasn’t a real ‘Kirk’” --she makes air quotes, rolling her eyes at the phrase-- “and that while  was a bright boy who could keep his head down and his mouth shut, Sam couldn’t live with Frank anymore because that’s what he felt life at our farm required, and he couldn’t do that.”

 

“Oh, Lord,” he says, shaking his head. It’s a real damn shame children don’t develop faster psychologically. 

 

“Yeah,” Winona deadpans. “So Sam ran off, and Jim-- quiet, obedient, brilliant Jim!-- finally snapped and decided that he was going to try to keep Sam, to tell Frank to go suck it, and to try to send a message to me all the way in the Delta Quadrant that he wasn’t letting this family fall apart and that he  _ was,  _ in fact, a Kirk.”

 

“Certainly quite a statement. He couldn’t have picked anything less  _ death-defying _ and dangerous?!”

 

Winona laughs weakly. “No, of course not. Not his style. Little blond-haired Evel Knievel.”

 

“Reckless space cowboy,” Leonard mutters.

 

Winona barks out a laugh. “Oh, I like that one.”

 

Leonard smiles a little. “Jim has told me I have quite a way with words.”

 

“You certainly do, Doctor,” Winona chuckles.

 

“So, little Evel Knievel pulls his deadly stunt and Frank ain’t a fan, of course…” Leonard says, prompting her to continue.

 

“Oh, no. No, he was  _ furious _ , and by the time he contacted me about it, he’d already made arrangements to send Jim off planet to live with his Aunt Liza, Frank’s and my sister, and her family on Tarsus IV. And with Sam having run away and Jim having nearly  _ killed  _ himself and feeling absolutely devastated about his brother’s abandonment, I decided it was for the best. Send him away and Frank doesn’t have to deal with him, Jim gets to have a fresh start and perhaps some family that will actually love and care for him like he should be loved and cared for, and I don’t have to worry about him getting into anymore trouble on Earth with Frank or anyone else. I figured it’d help him. I had no  _ idea  _ that there would be a famine, of course. No idea that-- God help me, I thought I was finally doing something  _ good  _ for him!”

 

“I think your heart was in the right place, Winona,” Leonard tells her softly. “Of course you had no idea that-- that what was going to happen would happen.”

 

With a sigh, Winona tiredly concedes, “I suppose. With what little bit of my heart I was actually attuned to at the moment. It took a goddamn  _ massacre  _ and my boy’s near death to finally wake me the hell up from my own twelve year Pity Party and start actually caring for him. That’s what it took, Leonard. And I am amazed and so utterly grateful that he even forgave me after all of that. He shouldn’t even want a relationship with me, but he does. And I continue every single day to try to be the mother he deserves and to make up for those twelve awful years of neglect.”

 

“Winona…” Leonard says, but he doesn’t really know where to go with this. It’s a hell of a lot to process. And poor Winona is so distraught over all of it. Leonard only understands a small portion of her guilt and shame. He wonders what Joanna must think of him; how little she must know about him and whether she knows he loves her more than anything in the fucking galaxy or if she thinks he’s indifferent toward her. Jocelyn only allows him so much contact with his baby girl.

 

But it’s different from Winona’s situation. And if he feels guilty about the marriage he let fall apart and his ex’s own stinginess toward him for not letting him see his daughter and speak to her more often, he can’t imagine the amount of guilt Winona feels.

 

“Keep doing what you’re doing. That’s all I can really think of to say. The rift between you two is being mended and you started mending it after...after That Whole Mess off-world. You came back into his life, you helped him heal, and you were there for him. It seems like you’ve been doing the right thing ever since, trying to be there for him as much as possible. Just keep doing that. As a dad who doesn’t get to see his little girl very often, I live by a similar principle. I try to do as much for her as I can, to show her as often as possible that I love her with all my heart.”

 

“Oh, Leonard,” Winona softly intones, a sympathetic look across her features. “I’m sure you’re a wonderful father, and I’m sure your daughter knows it. And if she doesn’t now, she’ll understand when she’s older, I’m sure. Jim says that now that he’s older he gets why I was the way I was back then. He’s never entirely forgiven me for it --and how can he? I don’t expect him to if I can’t forgive myself for it-- but he says he understands. I plan to do exactly like you said: keep doing what I’m doing. Somehow, by some miracle, my son hasn’t given up on me, and I don’t plan to give him any reason to again any time soon.”

 

“I don’t think he ever will, Winona,” Leonard says with conviction. Jim acts like an ass, but he’s secretly a complete sweetheart, incapable of truly holding a grudge against anyone. 

 

She flashes him a watery smile. “I hope you’re right about that. Now, enough of my pity wallowing. We’re supposed to be talking about Jim. As I’m sure you’ve probably figured out by now, Jim likes to hide himself away, usually somewhere out in his natural surroundings, and take some time to himself when he’s got some pretty heavy stuff on his mind.”

 

Leonard nods. “I do know. I figure he’s probably gone to that spot at the edge of campus overlookin’ the bay. I’ve found him there before. He knows that I know not to come lookin’ for him right away. I try to give him some space unless I truly think he’s ready to do something dangerous and dumb or if he’s gonna catch his death in the cold or whatnot.”

 

“Sounds like a spot he’d gravitate toward. And it sounds like you two have quite the system. Took me a long time to figure out a system with him, but I think part of that was the emotional distance that separated us for years. I’m glad he trusts you so much and is able to rely on you. As I’m sure you also know, he’s really not the type that’s good at sharing his thoughts and leaning on people for emotional support. Sadly, I think he got it from me. George was usually more open about his feelings.”

 

“Oh, I know. It’s a good thing I’m extraordinarily patient. I let him come to me when he’s ready, usually, but sometimes I really have to drag it out of him. With this, though…”

 

“No, I think plan A is definitely the way to go with this one. Let him say what he feels he needs to say. It took him over a month to tell me most of it. He was silent for a good month and a half, barely saying anything. And still, there are bits that I’m sure he’s kept to himself even after ten years. But whatever he does choose to tell you, don’t interrupt him once he starts. Let him say his piece.”

 

“That was the plan. Let him know I’m here if he needs me; that he doesn’t have to do this alone. And now that I know the exact day he’s gonna need me most, I can make plans to be there. I’m thinking we’ll either stay holed away in our quarters and skip whatever classes get in the way or we’ll take a weekend trip out of the city to somewhere quiet. Somewhere green.”

 

Winona smiles. “That sounds like a great plan, Leonard. Really wonderful.”

 

“Even though I  _ hate  _ the outdoors,” he adds with a grumpy little huff that’s more for show than anything else. He’s got to keep up the reputation of World’s Grumpiest, Most Sour, and Most Curmudgeonly Small Town Doctor in the Quadrant, after all. He might also do it just to get another small laugh from Winona to help ease her pain. He  _ is  _ a doctor. When he sees someone in pain, he’s gotta do something to try to alleviate it. Laughter, as the old adage goes, is the best medicine of all sometimes.

 

“You sure do love him,” Winona quietly notes from her side of the screen as her laughter dies down. “I’m so happy he has you. I’ve seen such a change in him since he’s come to the Academy and I know it’s not just the change of scenery...and career. It’s  _ you, too _ . I hope you know how incredibly glad I am that he has you.”

 

“I feel the same way about him. You should’ve seen me when I first met him. Carryin’ contraband booze; crazy and wild-eyed; hadn’t shaved in days, and stirring up an argument with the lieutenant commander on the shuttle because she wouldn’t let me stay hidden away in the damn bathroom.” He laughs a little at the memory, which is still a tad fuzzy from the alcohol he consumed before and during the flight.

 

Winona chuckles along with him, shaking her head. “My God, that is one  _ hell _ of a picture you paint, Leonard!”

 

“My point,” he says with a final huff of laughter, “is that I think we’ve both changed each other for the better. I’m just as lucky to have found Jim. Not that you can ever let him know I said that. He’d use it to his advantage and I’d never win an argument with him again.”

 

“Your secret’s safe with me,” she assures him with a small grin. “Now, when we next talk I hope it’ll be once you’ve helped Jim sort things out. And I also hope it’ll be the  _ both  _ of you I get to speak with.”

 

Leonard raises a brow at that. “Oh, well, I’ll try my best, ma’am.”

 

“Atta boy.” She flashes him a reassuring smile, one that reminds him so very much of Jim, and then just like that her face disappears and the screen goes blank.

 

“Well,” he sighs, “no time like the present, as they say. Here goes nuthin’.”

 

And with that he sets the PADD down, grabs his communicator and a jacket, and sets out on his long trek to find Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: Next chapter will start to dig into Tarsus, and the chapter after that will dig REALLY deep into Tarsus. So be warned that some darker stuff is coming up. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and please, leave a comment AND (or, but preferably and) a kudos to let me know you're liking what you're reading!


	3. I Wanna Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some painful revelations in here, but also some fluffly, light moments to try to balance things out. McKirk fans should like this chapter. ;D
> 
> Kevin Riley makes an appearance!
> 
> Bones uses some Southern slang.
> 
> Chapter title comes from the song I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers.

An hour later he steps over the small crest in the hills before the earth sinks down to meet the bay. Grass and dirt turn to sand and rocks, and Leonard carefully makes his way over to the lonely dock --whose existence, frankly, Leonard doesn’t quite get. It seems so out of place and random in this secluded little spot just beyond the Academy grounds.

 

He sees a familiar silhouette sitting at the edge of the dock, legs hugged against his chest. He can see Jim’s head bowed, shoulders hunched, probably propping his chin up on his knees. He’s absolutely still, and Leonard suspects he hasn’t moved in a very long time. Perhaps not since he first got here. He looks so small; so very  _ un- _ Jim like that it makes Leonard’s spine shiver.

 

Slowly he makes his approach, not wanting to startle Jim. His soft footsteps echo across the old boards. “Heya, Jim,” he says quietly. “Mind if I join ya?”

 

Jim gives the faintest of nods, but nothing more. Leonard takes a seat beside him and lets his legs dangle over the edge, above the water. He leans back, palms pressing into the old, sun-warmed wood. Knowing Jim’s got to be the one to speak first when he’s ready, Leonard looks out across the bay and listens to the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, giving Jim his opening when he’s ready to take it. He watches the few boats sailing across the bay, his eyes sweeping over the ever-still-glorious Golden Gate Bridge and its warm, red glow in the fading sunlight. Sunset is just beginning. 

 

“How’d you know I’d be here?” Jim finally asks after a good ten minutes of silence between them. 

 

“Darlin’, please. No need to insult me. I know when something’s botherin’ you,” Leonard says, trying to keep his tone light and reassuring.

 

“And what is it that’s bothering me, do you think, Bones?” Jim retorts, giving him a sideways glance.

 

“I’d rather let you tell me. If you’re feelin’ like it,” Bones says instead, refusing to be the first one to bring up what’s really going on.

 

“Not really, no.” It’s a pretty clear dismissal in Jim Language. Leonard isn’t taken aback or deterred, however. He’s used to this.

 

“That’s okay. I’m here to listen if you ever do.”

 

“I know, Bones,” Jim says, tone gentler than it was a moment ago. “I’m just not quite ready yet. Thanks for coming, though.” He leans his head on Leonard’s shoulder with a tired sigh. Leonard smiles and wraps an arm around him so he can pull him close.

 

“Anything for you, darlin’.”

 

That’s the last thing either of them says for a very long while. They sit there, Leonard holding onto the huddled form of his boyfriend, occasionally stroking his blond hair or rubbing circles with his thumb over Jim’s shoulder, and Jim just quietly finding solace in Leonard’s presence.

 

Slowly, the tension bleeds out of Jim and the warmth of the sinking sun drapes a temporary calm over them both. Leonard hears Jim’s breathing slow and even out, and for a few miraculous minutes he thinks Jim has dozed off. Kissing Jim’s forehead, Leonard smiles a little and watches the changing colors in the sky over the bay. The vibrant red paint of Golden Gate Bridge gradually seeps out of its beams as the sun steals its light away inch by inch.

 

“You know why I come here, Bones?”

 

Leonard startles slightly, having thought Jim was asleep.

 

From below, with his face still half pressed into Bones’ chest, Jim chuckles softly. “Didn’t mean t’ scare ya, Bones. Sorry.”

 

“It’s alright, darlin’. I oughta be used to it by now, honestly. But you were saying?” He glances down at the sandy blond head resting against him. Absentmindedly, his thumb rubs Jim’s arm as the younger man speaks.

 

“Right,” Jim says, getting himself back on track. “So I used to do this sort of thing when I was back in Iowa, too, except I’d go to either the English River or the Iowa River nearby. Not the San Francisco Bay, obviously.”

 

“Obviously,” Leonard deadpans. “So whenever you were feelin’ upset and wanted to get away, you went to the nearest big body o’ water?”

 

Jim hums a note of agreement. “Before...before I went off-planet when I was twelve, I would go up on the roof or to one of the barns’ roofs and I’d lay there and look at the stars. Or look out over the fields, but…” He hesitates. Leonard can feel him stiffen up.

 

“Hey, you don’t need ta explain yourself, Jim.”

 

“I want to, though. I want to tell you everything, Bones. It’s just hard for me.”

 

“I know. It’s alright. Say whatever you need to or want to and keep to yourself whatever you like. If it ain’t the right time --if you don’t feel comfortable talkin’ about it-- then don’t,” Leonard gently encourages. By now, he thinks Jim has pieced together that Leonard knows and they’re both sort of playing dumb now, dancing around the topic in a manner that is entirely uncharacteristic of both of them. Leonard wants to let Jim be the one to end the charade, however, terrified as he is of actually hearing Jim confirm his suspicions and Winona’s words. He knows hearing it from Jim will be entirely different; that it’ll solidify everything he’s heard and believed. It’ll cement everything into cold, hard fact that can no longer be denied or refuted. Leonard’s afraid of what will happen when it does, but another part of him is damn well curious. He feels like it’s a crucial piece of what makes Jim Kirk who he is, despite how ugly a piece of Jim’s past it is. But he’ll let Jim tell it to him when he’s ready, if he ever is. He’s not going to try to force the story out of him.

 

“Thanks, Bones. You know, I had a whole bunch of fucking therapists that came to see me while I was recovering--” From what Jim doesn’t say, but they both clearly know, and Jim knows he knows. It’s a confirmation without actually giving one. Leonard’s gut wrenches. “--and for a couple years after everything. They would always tell me that  _ talking  _ about it might help, but I usually got pretty upset with them, shouting at them that they would never understand; that they couldn’t  _ really  _ do anything about it. I told them that they wouldn’t be able to handle what I’d gone through if I tried to tell them about it. Not that there was any way in hell I was even  _ going  _ to talk to  _ them  _ about things, even if I did believe that talking was going to help. I thought it was the  _ dumbest  _ thing to talk about my feelings and thoughts and remember what had happened. I just wanted to put it all behind me!”

 

“Hmm...not wanting to talk about your feelings. Color me surprised,” Leonard flatly digresses with a roll of his eyes that Jim doesn’t see, but he knows exactly what kind of tone accompanies the eye roll. He makes an attempt to twist himself around to glare up at Leonard from his position below, but the result is entirely ineffective. Leonard laughs. A moment of quiet passes between them as the laughter dies down and the mood shifts again.

 

“I think it’s only because I never met the right person to tell,” Jim quietly confesses. “A person I trusted and cared about and who I knew cared about me. But I feel comfortable talking to you and telling you anything, Bones. I feel like you’re the guy I can tell this to and you won’t just give me pity or horror or the same dumb spiel I heard over and over and over again by those idiot therapists.”

 

“Jim…” Leonard says, not sure how to reply to that. Jim has just confessed his absolute trust and confidence in Leonard, and despite his medical and psychiatric training, and despite how well he knows and loves Jim, he isn’t sure quite what to say. 

 

“Anyways,” the younger man continues, as if he hasn’t made such a deep, personal confession --and that’s really the magic of Jim Kirk: that despite being closed off and wearing ten different masks to cover up his insecurities and hide his feelings, he’s a bleeding heart. He bottles up everything and when the emotions finally can’t be kept in any longer, they burst forth in a sudden and utterly unexpected outpour that comes tumbling from his lips and leaves the recipient with their mouth hanging open in surprise and awe-- “Ironically, looking up at the night sky or out at the fields used to make me feel calm and helped me get my mind off of things that were bothering me --mostly Frank, my uncle. After getting back home and finally being strong enough to do it, I tried to go back to my old habit and found that the sight of the stars made me anxious. I started to hyperventilate and to feel lightheaded, and I suddenly felt so...lost. I felt like I was drifting and alone and I knew I was lightyears away from that damn planet, but somehow looking up at the sky it undoubtedly existed somewhere in made me sick. And when I would go before the sun set or early in the morning when it was just rising, I tried looking out at the fields and barely lasted two minutes before I clambered back into my window and ran to the bathroom.”

 

Panic attacks, of course. Jesus. He can’t imagine what it would be like to have his own surroundings, his own home, be a panic inducing environment. “So how’d you decide on the rivers as your quiet places?”

 

“It was by accident. The next time I felt the memories and feelings were too strong and I wanted to get away, I got onto my hoverbike and sped off. I wasn’t thinking, I was just riding. I wound up going down I-22 and suddenly I was passing the English River. So I circled back around, rode along the side of it until I cleared the fields and got into some wooded area. And then I just stopped, hopped off my bike, and sat down. Somehow, I just felt like I had reached somewhere comforting and quiet. And private. I sat there for a few hours just listening to nature and the running water. Smelling the earth and--I dunno, Bones. It just comforted me.”

 

“I can get that,” Leonard says softly, stroking Jim’s hair absently as he talks. “I kinda like the water, too.”

 

“Water’s a symbol of life, y’know. In the ancient Aztec culture, it was believed that the rivers were created from the gods’ blood. The river running through their empire giving them water to grow their crops and feed their people was the blood of their gods. They believed that they had to sacrifice other human beings in order to repay the gods for their own sacrifice which helped them grow their crops and feed their people. If they didn’t sacrifice, they thought the Empire would collapse. The sun wouldn’t rise, the rains wouldn’t come to water the crops, and people would die.

 

“Rivers were the crux of every ancient Terran civilization. You built your city by a river and you were good to go. There was a source of silt and water to cultivate crops and there were routes for trade and travel. So really water meant life. And as you know, being a doctor and all, our bodies are made up mostly of water and that we need water to survive. Water equals life, right Bones?”

 

“Right,” Leonard says slowly. “So bein’ around water makes you remember that there’s life around you. That you can be sustained by water and so can others.”

 

Jim nods. “And crops can grow with water. Crops that feed a whole civilization,” he adds slowly, and Leonard’s chest painfully tightens as he realizes exactly why being by the rivers in Iowa, the San Francisco Bay, or whatever other damn body of water comforts Jim so much. Water only ever gives life.

 

“Water means life. It reminds you that life can thrive; things can grow.” And that Mother Nature can be cruel, but its priority is always to preserve and promote life. Sometimes disasters like the one on Tarsus years ago are not an act of God, but of man. Not that anyone can say what it was, as it was never discovered whether Tarsus’ crop failure was a natural phenomenon or a diabolical man-made plot. 

 

Jim nods again. “It reminds me that  _ I’m  _ alive. Sometimes I wondered if I really was or if…” He doesn’t finish it. He doesn’t need to. Leonard hugs Jim a little tighter, just to remind himself and Jim that he’s here and he’s not allowed to go anywhere. “Don’t worry, Bones--” he leans forward and turns to face Bones directly “--I’m not going anywhere, okay? I...I’m having a rough time right now, with the whole anniversary and all, but I’m not--I’m gonna be okay. I think.”

 

“Damn straight you’re not going anywhere,” Leonard says in that gruff, I-love-you-too-much-to-lose-you-don’t-you-fucking-dare-leave-me kind of way. Jim knows how to interpret it by now. “I’m here for you every step of the way, darlin’. I’m here for whatever you need.”

 

“I know,” Jim murmurs, and with that he leans back in and kisses him, sweet and slow but with a hint of desperation to it. The need to convince Leonard that things will be okay, that  _ Jim _ will be okay, is clear. And Leonard is stunned because isn’t  _ he  _ supposed to be the one doing the reassuring?

 

Gently, Leonard brings one hand to the nape of Jim’s neck and the other to rest at Jim’s hip. When they pull away, Leonard looks long and hard into Jim’s bright, brilliant eyes and tries to tell him everything he isn’t sure how to convey in words. He hopes it’s enough.

 

Jim stares back at him, eyes alight with a dozen emotions, his head whirling with thoughts. Leonard swears that one could look into Jim Kirk’s eyes at times and see real, actual gears turning in there. But amongst everything going through that big head of his, Leonard knows how to read him by now and something in the way his eyes meet Leonard’s tells him ‘ _ Yes, that’s enough. It’s more than enough.’  _ “It’s gonna be dark soon. Let’s go back to our place. I’ll tell you the whole story when we get back.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, ya know,” Leonard reminds him. “But yeah, sounds good, sugar.” He roughly gets to his feet, then holds out a hand to help Jim up onto his. He can’t imagine Jim’s got the steadiest pair of feet at the moment.

 

Jim flashes him a smile like it’s the easiest thing in the world, but Leonard knows it’s more difficult for him than anyone else would ever think. Throughout his life, Jim seems to have learned time and time again that he must mask his emotions, put on a brave face or a false smile to trick the world into thinking he’s fine and unafraid. Part of it is probably to convince himself, too, but he isn’t fooling this ole country doc.

 

They’re on their way back to their place when Jim’s communicator chirps. Leonard glances at him, wondering whether he’s going answer. Jim pulls the device out of his uniform pocket, looks at the ID to see who it is, and stops mid-stride. Leonard stops just a step later, turning to face him as Jim flips it open.

 

“Hey, Kev, everything okay?” Jim asks in a gentle and rather unusually concerned tone. As a parent, Leonard recognizes something rather...parenteral about it.

 

Distantly, he hears a young voice with a faint Irish accent reply, shakily, “I’m, uh...well, it’s getting close to... _ that  _ day, y’know? This year’s a big one and everyone at school is talking about it like it’s some fascinating, macabre holofilm but it was  _ real _ and I want to call them out but I don’t want to draw attention to myself because no one’s supposed to know and I don’t want anyone to know but--”

 

“Hey,” Jim cuts in sharply before ‘Kev’ can rattle on any further. Leonard recognizes himself somewhere in that tone of voice. The kind of tone he himself uses, or even Jocelyn uses, whenever Joanna’s upset and needs reassurance. 

 

_ “Hey, look at me, Jo. Look at me. I may be moving out, but I am  _ not  _ going anywhere. I’m still gonna be here for you  _ whenever  _ you need me. You just call and I will absolutely drop everything and be right here for you. You got that? I love you more than anything in the entire galaxy and if you need me, I’m here. No questions asked.” _

 

“--it’s tough, Kevin, I know. I went through the same thing, but just try to ignore them as best you can. You’re doing really great so far by not saying anything, by keeping to yourself, and by calling me. You did a good job, Kev. I’m proud of you,” Jim says, a faint smile crossing his features. “Just keep that up, okay, buddy?”

 

“I’m trying. It’s so hard, though, JT. It’s tough to even focus in class when I keep hearing whispers about  _ that  _ and having flashbacks. I keep thinking I’m going to lose it,” Kevin says fearfully.

 

“Kev, kiddo, listen to me: remember what I’ve taught you. Close your eyes and breathe in. Hold that for three to five seconds and then breathe out. You got this, Kev. You survived. You’re tougher than you even know, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Leonard hears the kid faintly and unconvincingly reply.

 

“Kev, do you need me to come to you? I will. I’ll drop everything and be there sooner than you can say  _ ad astra per aspera. _ ”

 

“No, I’m okay,” Kevin rushes in to say, but again not very convincingly.

 

“Or do you wanna come here?” Jim asks, changing tactics slightly.

 

“No, JT, that’s really not--I don’t need to--”

 

“Kev, you’re worrying me. So either convince me you’re good or I’m coming over there, you hear me? You’re one of my kids. I’m not going to just leave you by yourself, especially not around the Anniversary. We might not be in that place anymore, but we’re all still family and I’m still looking out for you.”

 

“I know,” Kevin meekly replies. “You’ve done so much for us, JT. More than you ever needed to. It’s been ten years and those of us that made it out owe it all to you. We owe  _ you  _ if anything.”

 

Leonard watches Jim shake his head almost violently. “No, no, no. Kevin, I told you guys. We’re not doing the whole He-Owes-She thing or whatever. No one owes  _ any _ one  _ any _ thing. I said I’d look out for you guys back there and I meant it. I meant it not just back there, but wherever we are. Parents don’t just abandon their kids--well, not generally, anyway--and Mama Jim isn’t planning on abandoning you guys, either.  _ Ever. _ ”

 

The kid gives a watery laugh. Leonard can tell even from where he’s standing that the kid is crying. Not the sad kind of crying, but the kind that comes when you’re moved by words and feeling relieved. The cathartic kind. “Mama Jim... I remember when you first decided to have us start calling you that.”

 

There’s a nostalgic twinkle in Jim’s eyes. A strange, glimmering light in them that is similar to the one he gets when he’s acting like a smug little shit, but it’s clouded over by something dark and sad. Tarsus IV is the cloud darkening them, Leonard knows now. He wonders how Jim has managed throughout the years to make the cloud go away, time and time again, chasing away the storm. Can he do it again? 

 

“I wasn’t letting Tommy pull any of that misogynistic shit in  _ my _ house! Complaining that I was doing all the manly ‘Put-Myself-In-Danger-For-My-Family’ and ‘Provide-For-the-Family’ crap while he ‘stayed home’ with his broken leg like an old house wife? Uh-uh. I wasn’t having it. I said I was actually the so-called ‘house wife,’ because if you looked at wild animals and not humans, it’s always the mom feeding everybody, taking care of them, looking out for them, protecting them. That’s when Rachel piped up and jokingly said you should call me Mama Jim.”

 

“And you said, ‘Yeah, you know what? Do it’ and Rachel and Tommy were like, ‘Are you serious?’”

 

“And I said, ‘I’m  _ dead  _ fucking serious. Do it.’”

 

“Thus the legendary Mama Jim was born,” Kevin finished for him, a smile in his voice.

 

Leonard finds himself grinning. Who knew Jim Kirk was so good with kids? Actually, scratch that. Leonard’s known that Jim is good with kids, and can get along with them, from the beginning. That’s only because he thought Jim was a big, overgrown child himself. Now he realizes that Jim knows when to be responsible, when to look out for those smaller and unable to help themselves, and when to lend a comforting word or gesture. He learned it while he was on that godforsaken colony. And he learned how to take care of kids like a parent would when he was only a kid himself, Leonard realizes. He learned how to be a parent before Leonard even had!

 

“You know what,  _ Mama Jim? _ ”

 

Jim chuckles, “What?”

 

“I’m gonna be just fine. Thanks,” Kevin says from the other end of the line, and Leonard thinks the kid really means it this time.

 

“Last chance to take me up on the offer of a lifetime: The Jim Kirk Slumber Party Experience. You could meet my grumpy boyfriend Bones, I could give you a tour of Starfleet Academy, I could maybe even let you try a sip of some whiskey. Bones has got the good stuff, don’t ya, Bones?” Jim says, and at this point he looks over at Leonard.

 

“Lord, Jim. If dumb was dirt, you’d cover half an acre! Absolutely not! I ain’t givin’ some kid liquor!” Leonard loudly exclaims. “‘Sides, he’d probably get sick right afterwards and then what’ll we be left with? One glass less o’ perfectly good whiskey.”

 

Clearly, even Kevin has heard what he said, and both he and Jim are laughing before he’s even finished speaking.

 

“A real Southern gentleman you got there, Mama Jim,” Kev teases. “I hope some day I’ll get to meet him, but I’ll pass this time around. I think I’ll be okay.”

 

“The finest,” Jim answers lightheartedly before his tone gets more somber. “But hey, seriously, if you change your mind or if you need absolutely  _ anything _ else, you let me know. Don’t hesitate to contact me. Got it?”

 

“Got it,” Kevin says, and it seems enough to convince Jim.

 

“Good talking to you, Kev. Take care, okay?”

 

“You, too, JT.” And with that Jim flips his communicator shut and turns to Bones, a brow raised in question. He seems to expect Leonard to have something to say about the call he just witnessed, but on the contrary, Leonard has nothing. Motioning with his hand, he lets Jim take the lead and follows quietly alongside him as they resume their trip back home.

 

It’s not until a couple minutes later, as Leonard is mulling over this new concept of Dad/Mom Figure Jim that he realizes something: Jim had been taking care of other children and putting himself in danger for them. He’d been Mama Jim - a leader of a group of ragtag children…

 

Good God, Jim wasn’t just a Tarsus Survivor, he was one of  _ the  _ Tarsus survivors. One of the  _ Tarsus Nine. _

 

“Bones?” Jim calls. Leonard comes back to himself to only now notice that he’s stopped walking. Jim is about five feet in front of him, looking back with confusion and concern.

 

Leonard’s breathing heavily, eyes wide with horrific revelation. 

 

“Bones, what is it?”

 

He knows he’s not very good at schooling his expressions; unlike Jim, he tends to wear his heart on his sleeve. Knowing there’s no use in denying anything, Leonard meets Jim’s eyes and swallows. His mouth feels very dry all of a sudden. “It’s just--I just--I realized something based off of that conversation.”

 

“Oh,” Jim quietly says, realization dawning. He’s similarly stunned that Leonard has comprehended this, apparently too concerned with Kevin and his predicament to notice what secrets he was divulging through having this conversation right in front of Leonard. “Fuck,” he eloquently adds, and that sums up the entire moment rather well.

 

Both seem rooted to the spot in the middle of the quad, eyes locked as they both silently get themselves on the same page as one another. And then Leonard just walks up to meet Jim, loops his arm around Jim’s, and pulls the younger cadet along. Neither of them says another word the rest of the way home. Instead, Leonard gives himself time to digest all this information and Jim time to reflect or, if need be, find a way to bow out of spilling his deepest and darkest secret with tact and grace.

 

When they make it to their dorm, Leonard releases Jim’s arm and they each take a moment to change out of their cadet reds. Afterwards, as Jim makes himself comfortable on the couch, Leonard goes for the cabinet where they keep the liquor and their drinking glasses. He returns to the couch to find Jim with his back against the arm of the couch and his bare feet up on the cushion, pulled into his chest. His head rests between his knees, and he looks up at Leonard with this sad and distant but determined gleam in his eyes.

 

Wordlessly, Leonard hands Jim his glass, already poured, and sets the bottle on the table in front of them as he takes a sip out of his own glass. He sits himself right at Jim’s feet, turned towards his boyfriend and tucking one leg underneath him while he lets the other dangling off the edge of the couch. 

Jim takes a sip and grips his glass, resting it upon his knee. He stares deeply into the amber liquid, and Leonard watches with trepidation as Jim looks somewhere beyond the glass and its contents. Before his eyes, the Jim he knows disappears. He finds himself pulled back along with Jim, back a whole decade and so many lightyears away to a dying colony far from the reaches of the Federation. Too far for aid to arrive in time…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the big one! Jim'll be talking about Tarsus in quite a bit of detail. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> Yes, I totally googled the hell out of Iowa to find Riverside and the area Jim would've lived. The Iowa and English River as well as the I-22 are all actual locations. 
> 
> And yes, what Jim says about the Aztecs and ancient cultures is all true. As a social studies teacher, I can say that for a fact. Hope you liked that symbolism!
> 
> See you guys next week!


	4. Into the Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a little longer! I've been busy with work and also I really wanted to make sure this chapter was good 'cause it's an important one!
> 
> I'm really nervous about this and the next couple of chapters as we delve into the Tarsus story. Hopefully you guys enjoy reading it, though! I hope the work I put into this was worth it.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter and the chapters up ahead will be talking about massacre, death, child deaths, torture, gun violence, and starvation. Hopefully that's all you need to look out for, but if you see something I should include in my warnings then let me know!!
> 
> Also, this chapter and the next will mention a method of execution similar to one used during the Holocaust, so if that's a trigger for you in any way then you'll want to be careful or just not read the next couple chapters.
> 
> Chapter title taken from the song Into the Fire by Thirteen Senses.

“I arrived on Tarsus a little less than a year before the crop failure. I was twelve. My mom and uncle thought it would be good for me. Well, my mom thought it would be good for me. Frank was just an asshole who wanted me out of  _ ‘his’  _ house so I wouldn’t wreck anymore of  _ ‘his’  _ cars-- and for the record they weren’t his, they were my father’s. Guy loved antiques. Had an old PX70 motorcycle that he used to make my mom ride on the back of. She  _ hated  _ the thing but never could bring herself to get rid of it, so Frank claimed it as his rather than let it collect dust.

 

“Anyways, Frank wanted me out, so he made arrangements before he’d even called my mom to tell her what happened. I didn’t resist it since I was actually glad to get away. I’d get away from that asshole, mom wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore, and I was going to get to finally go off-planet like I’d always hoped to. As an added bonus, I’d get to meet some family. My Aunt Liza commed me a couple days after Frank made the arrangements to tell me how excited she was to have me living with them. She said my nine-year-old cousin Joan was so excited to meet me and have a big brother, and that there was an excellent school there with kids as bright as I was. I could finally make friends with kids like me-- I didn’t really have friends back at home. Bumblefuck, Iowa wasn’t exactly the most intellectually stimulating place, and it sure didn’t have any intellectually stimulated kids, so I was excited to meet kids who were more like me and wouldn’t pick on me for being smart.”

 

“And that’s why you play off how much of an absolute nerd you are,” Leonard says with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood a little because he knows what’s coming ahead.

 

Jim smiles, chuckling weakly. “Don’t you dare tell anyone my secret, Bones. It’ll ruin my  _ whole  _ image!” he says, uncurling his index finger from around his glass and pointing it at Leonard as firmly and threateningly as possible. It’s not very effective. 

 

“No, never!” Leonard says, feigning innocence. “I like having that knowledge all to myself, to be honest,” he says a little more seriously, grinning mischievously at his partner. And that’s true. He really does like knowing all these secret little quirks about Jim that no one knows. He likes the fact that Jim has entrusted himself to Leonard, letting him past the layers of facades Jim’s so carefully constructed for the rest of the world to hide the pain, the brilliance, the quirkiness.

 

“Good,” Jim says, nodding in approval. “I’ve worked too hard for you to go messing that up.”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure the fact that you’re top o’ your class and on track to graduate a year early hasn’t clued them in  _ at all _ to the fact that you’re a brilliant, half-decent human being and not just an egotistical, booty-callin’, cocky little son of a bitch.”

 

“You sure do know how to flatter a guy. I love it when you talk all lovey-dovey like that, by the way, Bones,” Jim says, flashing him with one of those smug, shit-eating grins that Leonard knows so well. But he can see the mirth doesn’t meet Jim’s eyes as usual. “Speaking of booty calling--”

 

“Keep dreamin’, sugar,” Leonard answers without missing a beat. He rolls his eyes.

 

“Oh, I do. You should hear about the kinds of dreams I have some nights…” he teases, and Leonard rolls his eyes once again.

 

“Goddamn infant,” he growls under his breath.

 

Jim laughs, but it fades off into a sigh. Jim takes another swig of his drink, sobering himself up again. “Now where was I?”

 

“Goin’ to live with your Aunt Liza and lookin’ forward to meeting other kids.”

 

“Right. So I pack my stuff and head to Tarsus. It doesn’t take long to realize I actually really enjoy it there. Aunt Liza was always teaching me how to keep the garden in the backyard growing, assisting me with my homework --she was a really sharp woman, Bones. I’m telling you she was a genius in her own right-- and enlisting my help in setting up these crazy, elaborate, awesome pranks to pull on Uncle Ethan. Apparently they had an ongoing competition that they’d started years ago before Joan was born.

 

“Uncle Ethan was a teacher at the elementary school. He didn’t need to, but he used to walk me to school every day and drop me off on his and Joan’s way to the elementary school. He was a really sweet guy, great sense of humor…”

 

“They sound like right good folks, Jim,” Leonard softly replies, a dull ache settling in his heart. Jim has hardly even begun his story, but Leonard already knows part of the ending: Aunt Liza and her family weren’t amongst the survivors.

 

Jim nods, almost absentmindedly. “Yeah. Yeah, they were…

 

“I was really getting into the life there on Tarsus when the crops began to show signs of failure. It was about six months in, I guess. At first, Aunt Liza and I found it harder and harder to keep the garden growing and we thought it was just something we were doing wrong. Then we learned it was going on all over the colony and I started to worry that it could get bad, but Aunt Liza kept telling me that it was fine. She figured it was just a dry spell and that it would pass. Worst case scenario being that food might be a little scarce for a while, but nothing more than that.

 

“Obviously, it wasn’t just a dry spell. Two weeks after everyone else started seeing similar problems, our garden was dead. Aunt Liza said we’d just have to try planting a new garden again next season. A week after that, everyone else’s crops had turned, too. Five days later, everything was dead. I would walk to school and I could just...I could smell it. It was in the air-- this decaying, unsettling, bitter smell. It was a feeling, too. Deep in the pit of my stomach, where I sensed things were going really wrong and that the worst was still to come. Or maybe that’s the hindsight talking. I dunno…”

 

“Folks sometimes have a way of telling when there’s something afoul, Jim. I’m sure it wasn’t just you. It’s just that no one wanted to say anything. They wanted to keep you calm.”

 

“Yeah,” Jim agrees quietly. “Yeah, Aunt Liza was definitely trying. She knew I was smart, though, and found it hard to come up with excuses good enough to convince me things were fine. And at school, all the kids were worried, too. Dr. Sato, our professor, tried to tell us everything would be fine but wouldn’t answer any questions or speculations about the crops. She kept telling us to focus on the lesson or she’d have us stay after and copy ancient Japanese texts,” he says, laughing a little at the old memory. “Needless to say, I got detention multiple times.”

 

“Figures you wound up getting detention.  _ More _ than once,” Leonard deadpans.

 

“I had a big mouth,” Jim shrugs.

 

“ _ Had? _ I imagine thirteen was just the beginning of Smartass Chatterbox Kirk.”

 

“Well joke’s on you, Bones, ‘cause I can still recite forty of the one hundred poems in the  _ Hyakunin Isshu _ thanks to her and we had some really great conversations during those detentions. In Federation Standard  _ and  _ in Japanese-- not that I’m fluent in Japanese, but I’m not bad.”

 

“Are you kidding me right now?”

 

“She was incredible. Pretty sure she’s the only one that could ever beat Uhura in a language competition.”

 

“Sounds like quite a woman. I hope you never gave her too hard a time.”

 

“Nah, I liked her and her class. Did you know she was on the  _ Enterprise _ ? An officer under Admiral Archer back when he was a ‘Fleet Captain.”

 

“Wow,” Leonard says, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, Governor Kodos was far less impressed,” Jim says, growing quiet. “Once it was clear the land wasn’t going to produce any crops any time soon, he and the rest of the settlement’s administration started rationing food. A week later, a bunch of government officials who opposed Kodos ‘mysteriously disappeared’ and he became the single governing head of the Tarsus colony. Less than twenty-four hours after his undercover coup, he had the lists drafted.”

 

Leonard’s stomach rolls. Good God, here it is. 

 

“The Thursday just before he--before the--” Jim falters. Leonard sees the color draining from his face. He looks as queasy as Leonard feels.

 

His breath catches in his throat, and Leonard swallows hard. “Jim, you can st--”

 

“No,” Jim sharply interjects. “No, I need to do this. I want you to hear it. I need to…” It’s like a mantra, almost. Like Jim’s trying to convince himself that he needs to push past this; like opening up this old and weeping wound will help it heal once and for all. But Leonard isn’t sure wounds like these ever do heal. Some wounds don’t, and instead they leave a mark that remains with you forever as a permanent reminder of the pain you endured. Medicine can only perform so many miracles.

 

“Okay,” he nods. Realizing only now that he’s not taken a sip from his drink yet, Leonard stares down at his glass solemnly before he lifts it to his lips to take a generous swig. He’s going to need it.

 

“That Thursday, I kept hearing all sorts of crazy theories from everyone at school and in town about what happened to those officials. It was rumored that the Governor was a strong proponent of eugenics and a big fan of Darwin, but not in the good kind of way. He reportedly took Darwin’s theories to the extreme, believing that nature sometimes worked too slow and that if nature couldn’t do its job, then...well, then someone had to step in and do its job instead.”

 

“That sick bastard,” Leonard hisses under his breath.

 

“Anyways,” Jim continues, not reacting to Leonard’s outburst, “I was hearing all these horrible rumors and I couldn’t just sit around and wait for the truth to come out, if it ever did. Things were getting bad and I was worried...so I decided to find out for myself.”

 

“Oh, God, Jim. Jim, no. Tell me you didn’t…” Fuck. He didn’t like where this was going.  _ Fuck fuck fuck! _

 

“I did,” Jim says, voice hardly above a whisper. “That night, I snuck into Kodos’ residence and found the lists. I found out that what everyone had been saying was true and he was-- he was  _ actually  _ going to play God. He was choosing for himself who’d live and who’d die; who was  _ fit  _ to  _ survive  _ and who  _ wasn’t. _ ”

 

#  Finding Kodos’ List

 

Leonard doesn’t care how Jim got in and found the list. He doesn’t care how he avoided detection. All he can think about is what it must’ve been like to be thirteen years old and to be looking at two lists, one of people deemed worthy enough to live and the other of people slated to die. Four thousand people. Four  _ thousand  _ people were on the execution list, and Leonard can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to see the names of people you know --family, friends, teachers, neighbors-- all having made their way onto that list. He can’t imagine being thirteen, seeing this list, and trying to understand what made them all lesser people than Kodos unworthy of survival. 

 

Then Leonard finds himself asking the worst question of all: what would it have been like to see his own name, were it there on the execution list?

 

“I tried to send the data to my personal PADD so I could show it to everyone when I got home and try to prevent what Kodos was planning, but I heard someone coming and I had to leave before they found me. So instead of waiting and hoping to see if I’d get another chance to access the list, I left. Dammit, Bones, I  _ left _ and I didn’t think to try to steal the lists or copy them somehow or try to stick around to copy them and if only I  _ had,  _ then--!” Jim chokes out the last of his words, tears building up in his eyes.

 

“Hey,  _ hey _ !” Leonard reaches over and plucks Jim’s drink from his hands before setting both their glasses on the table. He cups Jim’s face and leans in. “No, Jim. Don’t even go there! You were thirteen. You were just a kid, and you were already doing way more than anyone else would have done.”

 

“Bones, you don’t get it,” Jim cuts in, voice thick with emotion. “You don't understand. If I had the list, I would have had proof to show my Aunt Liza when I got home, but I didn't. I had nothing, and she just couldn't believe that the things people were saying were true. She was a smart woman and she'd always shown so much faith and pride in me, but when I got home and woke her up to tell her what I'd learned, she didn't believe me. Her and Uncle Ethan told me that I was just being a paranoid kid. Her pride and trust in me was overridden by her trust in humanity, though. She was a sweet woman who believed in the best of people and didn’t want to entertain the possibility that anyone could do anything like Kodos did."  
  
"God, Jim," Bones murmurs, taking Jim’s hand in his. He squeezes it, hoping that the act will help to ground and comfort Jim. As Jim delves into his past, the psychologist in Leonard knows that physical interactions like this help to ground people reliving or experiencing trauma.  
  
"Uncle Ethan said that while things looked pretty awful, Kodos wouldn't do something so horrible as to use the theory of eugenics and execute half the population to keep others alive during the famine. Aunt Liza agreed, reminding me that things just seemed bad but Starfleet was sending relief crews. Kodos had said so. It wouldn't make sense for Kodos to kill half the population if he had Starfleet on its way. Whatever I tried to argue, Bones, they didn't want to hear it. They were too trusting of Kodos and of humanity. They placed too much belief in Starfleet." He sighs, gently pushing Leonard out of the way so he can grab his glass again and take a large swig that drains the glass. He swallows thickly, as if trying to chase the burn of the liquor away along with the emotions. He closes his eyes, clearly steeling himself for the next part of his horrid tale.  
  
Leonard picks up his glass, too, and takes a long draught. He figures he should steel himself for this next portion, too.  
  
"We were still in the middle of arguing about it when there was a knock on the door. My uncle answered it to find one of Kodos' policemen.” He pauses, and Leonard watches him fiddle with a loose thread by his knee in his pants. For a man larger than life, a personality and brilliant mind as bright and big as the sun, Jim looks smaller than ever. It’s crushing to see the man he loves who carries himself so confidently folding up and shutting down.

 

And as Jim begins to tell him how policemen on the streets became a regular thing on Tarsus, he watches concernedly as Jim goes from absently fiddling with the thread to winding his finger around it, yanking at it, and trying more and more to pull it out and remove the imperfection. While he’s certainly no poet, Leonard can’t help but think it’s disturbingly poetic. Kodos believed Jim and his family to be amongst the imperfections; the threads sticking out of the rest of the seamlessly woven fabric of society that threatened to pull it all apart if he didn’t get rid of them.

 

“The day he started rationing food, people began fighting in the square where rations were handed out. They only got worse as the days went on and people started getting paranoid that Kodos was favoring certain people or families over others. Colonists started claiming that some people were getting more rations than others despite having similar household sizes. To put an end to the fighting, Kodos began placing security around the square. But he slowly started increasing the police presence beyond the square until there were at least two men per street on the colony. Everyone was so worried about food that they didn’t notice.  
  
"Anyways, the officer told my uncle that we were all ordered to go to the square. No exceptions. My Aunt looked over at me and that's when I could see it in her eyes: the moment she realized I was right. When she looked back at the guard and asked him what would happen if we said no, he raised his phaser rifle a little higher. I could see his knuckles turning white from gripping it so hard as he told us that we weren't allowed to refuse.”

 

The picture Jim paints sounds horrifying. It’s terrible enough to imagine it through the eyes of a thirteen-year-old or a nine-year-old, but the father in him can’t help but entertain the awful thought of what it would be like to be Jim’s Aunt Liza or her husband. To be forced to follow an order from a man carrying a damn phaser rifle into your home and knowing that it won’t lead to anything good; to want to fight with every fiber of your being against this man because you know he’s no good. He imagines being reigned in by the knowledge that you’ve got to keep yourself together for your kids. Perhaps you can still find a way out of this, but wrestling a man with a rifle barehanded isn’t the way to do it --especially not when there’s the potential for your kids to be harmed in the midst of the power struggle.

 

And so you quietly resign yourself to quiet submission, if only so you can have a little longer to try to find a way out of it.

 

“So while my aunt and I went to get changed, my uncle went to wake Joan up and get her dressed. The guard had only given us five minutes to get dressed and leave, so we met in the living room less than five minutes later. He told us that if we kept him waiting, he'd see to it that we received less rations than usual for the upcoming week. My aunt and I both knew that it was a fucking lie, but Uncle Ethan insisted that we not risk pissing anyone off just in case. If only for Joan's sake, we shouldn't anger the officer or keep him waiting."  
  
Leonard holds his breath, feeling his heart pounding. He knows what is going to happen, but to hear it from Jim...God, he's scared to know what details Jim will reveal to him that very few other souls even know about the nightmare that occurred on Tarsus IV.   
  
"We stepped out of the house just after the sun had risen, Joan still yawning as my aunt and uncle stood on either side of her, clutching her hands and guiding her along behind the guard. I was on my aunt's left, walking right alongside her. As we walked down the street, I noticed other families being escorted from their homes, too. But I remembered the lists and as I looked around, I noticed certain people from our block were missing in the procession. They were the ones whose names were on the list. The one with the people deemed worthy to survive. All of the other people around us walking out of their homes early that morning --my family, my friends, my neighbors, my teachers, my classmates-- they were all lesser people according to Kodos. Presumed too weak or insignificant to survive, they were all walking to their deaths and they didn't even know it."  
  
Leonard’s face is warm, his throat tight. As hard as he’s trying to keep himself together for Jim’s sake, he knows that he’s about to lose his composure and he wants to smack himself. Out of the pair of them, _Jim_ should be the one about to lose it! Yet he seems composed compared to Leonard. _Dammit, McCoy, you should be able to hold himself together better than this!_  
  
If Jim notices Leonard's lack of composure --and he _has_ to notice. There's no way he _doesn’t_ notice-- he says nothing. He continues without any sort of indication he's noticed at all. "When we got to the square, there were even more of Kodos' heavily armed officers around the perimeter. They were shoving and forcing people into small, make-shift buildings. They were vaporization chambers. And when I realized what they were I--" Jim chokes on the words, unable to continue. He starts wiping furiously at his face, swiping at the tears that are beginning to flow. Leonard knows he’s crying, too, but fuck it.  
  
Reaching out, Leonard tries to pull him into his arms, but Jim shakes his head furiously and waves him away.   
  
"No. I want to finish this. I want you to know," he insists again.  
  
Leonard wants to protest, but Leonard McCoy MD knows this is about more than just Jim feeling like he needs his boyfriend to know. Jim told him earlier that he trusts Leonard and has been waiting for the right person to talk to about all of this. He's been keeping this story bottled up in his mind, plaguing his memory, for ten years and he hasn’t told another soul. Understanding the importance of finally confiding in someone and telling his story, Leonard says nothing, leaving Jim to pierce the silence in his own time.  
  
Clearing his throat, Jim continues, his voice rough and thick with raw emotion. "I fought back when I saw what was in the square. I tried to tell my aunt and uncle to take Joan and run, but of course they didn't listen. Joan started crying and my aunt worked to try and calm her down as we neared one of those makeshift...things. Ethan was dragging me along, away from the guards before I got seriously hurt. Given my size, I wasn't a match for either him or the guards. Next thing I knew, I was locked inside a dark, hot room with about fifty to one hundred other people all banging against the walls, clamoring to get out. There were babies and little kids crying, women and men screaming--" 

 

At this point, Jim is shaking, but he tries to hide it by curling further in on himself. He pulls his legs in closer to his chest, his grip around his knees tightening. Leonard has seen other trauma victims similarly attempt to hide how shaken up they are. While he knows it’s just a reflex or a defense mechanism of sorts, Leonard wishes Jim didn’t feel the need to guard himself in such a way.  
  
"My God," Leonard whispers, hardly aware of the words of shock and horror tumbling out of his mouth.   
  
"Once the doors closed, two screens that we hadn’t noticed before lit up on either side of us. Some middle-aged man with thinning hair sat at a desk, flags lining either side of the wall behind him --there was one for the Federation, one for Earth and the Terran race, one for Tarsus IV’s government-- and he had this look in his eyes I’ll never forget, like he was trying to appear apologetic for what he was doing, but it was miles short of sincere because he was absolutely convinced it was a _necessary_ action to take. Not even a necessary ‘evil’. Just necessary. The eugenics theory and Darwinian logic justified his actions to him completely and he saw them as needed to protect a group of ‘superior’ people who had a supposedly better chance of survival.”

 

“Horse shit,” Leonard growls.

 

“No one had ever seen his face before, but we all knew it was Kodos on the screen. I’m one of  _ nine  _ people who is still alive and has seen that face, Bones, and let me tell you: it is not one I will  _ ever  _ forget. He might be dead, but that face will haunt me until the day I die.”

 

“That ain’t the kind o’ face one forgets, no. Jesus, Jim, I can’t--I can’t even imagine.”

 

“Some people started shouting at him, but I don’t think the feed went both ways. I think the screens just transmitted to us and didn’t transmit back to him, so he didn’t say anything in response. He just looked straight ahead at us, at the camera he was sitting in front of in his cozy little office still looking healthy and rosy-cheeked and well-fed unlike everyone else. And then he--then he ordered our execution.

  
_“‘The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV.’”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, let me know if there's anything I should be tagging that I'm not! 
> 
> Please, please, please leave a comment and/or a kudos if you enjoyed this chapter! I was really anxious about writing and posting this chapter, so let me know how I did!
> 
> The name 'Joan' for Jim's cousin comes from some obscure tidbit about Winona Kirk that I found while researching her a little. Apparently in an unproduced film from 1989 called Star Trek: The First Adventure, that was Winona's name. But then they changed it and it became canon in the '09 film.


	5. Dustbowl Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter ends kind of abruptly and awkwardly, but it was the best end point I could really think of because there's still a ways to go with Jim's Tarsus story. I wanted to break it up and keep the chapters relatively all the same length, and if I had cut this off at the original spot I wanted to cut it off at, it would've been rather short. Now I think it's a little long, but I figured I'd rather it be longer than shorter than usual.
> 
> AGAIN, A WARNING: This chapter and the chapters up ahead will be talking about massacre, death, child deaths, torture, gun violence, and starvation. Hopefully that's all you need to look out for, but if you see something I should include in my warnings then let me know!!
> 
> Also, this chapter mentions a method of execution similar to one used during the Holocaust as well as the Holocaust itself (very briefly), so if that's a trigger for you in any way then you'll want to be careful or just not read this or the next chapter.
> 
> Chapter title taken from Dustbowl Dance by Mumford and Sons. Seriously a perfect song for Tarsus.

It’s frightfully unnerving to hear Jim recite Kodos’ execution order down to the last word. Even more unsettling to know that these were the last words that four thousand people ever heard. Words telling them they were unwanted and worthless; that they were just sucking up resources that they didn’t deserve for whatever reason Kodos, playing God, had made up. No one in the Federation ever knew what words it was that Kodos had said to the population before their execution. No one had heard them but those sentenced to die and the only ones who had heard those words that remained had never told the public. Their identities were protected.  _ Jim _ ’s identity was protected.

 

“When he finished, the screens shut off and we were left in the dark again. My aunt and uncle looked at Joan and me and told us they loved us. My aunt looked at me and said sorry, like it was her fault I was there in that room, on that planet, about to die. I told her, 'Don't be.' It was the best couple months of my life, I told her.”

 

Leonard holds back the urge to scream. At God, at Karma, at whoever the fuck runs the universe and keeps fucking with Jim Kirk’s life. The kid had only known a few months of peace and love and happiness. And just when he was getting used to it all, it was so horribly, brutally, viciously swept away in a heap of rotting crops and bloody bodies, and nothing had been spared in the wake of such destruction. 

 

He holds back the urge to scream even more because in the moments just before he thought he was going to die, Jim Kirk assured his aunt that he didn’t blame her for not having the foresight to see the execution coming and for not believing him sooner. And he told her that he had been happy. Scared and about to die,  _ thirteen-year-old  _ Jim Kirk had thought of everyone but himself, worried only about making sure his aunt died knowing he didn’t hold a thing against her. Instead, he was glad she had taken him in and given him a brief period of happiness.

 

“And just after I said I loved her, too --just when I thought that I was about to breathe my last-- there was this noise like something breaking or shutting down. Somewhere outside the building I heard the muffled voice of one of the guards swear. Others heard it, too, and within moments people who had been bracing themselves for the end like us realized that the end hadn't come. Someone shouted that the machine was broken and that's when people started banging and clawing at the doors and the walls; screaming to be let out…” 

 

He sucks in a deep, shaky breath, and Leonard reaches over and takes Jim’s hands into his own, squeezing them tight to tether him in the present so he doesn’t get lost in the past like he seems about to be. He squeezes them to remind Jim he’s alive and he’s loved and he’s safe and he’s  _ worth saving. Always. _

  
  
"And then a couple of people managed to break the doors down. Sunlight and fresh air flooded into the room. Everyone started shoving to get through the door, desperately trying to get out. I got a couple good elbows to the face and the stomach from that. My aunt and uncle started ushering Joan and me toward the exit. As we neared the door I could hear phaser fire and people screaming. The guards were firing at everyone fleeing from the chambers. As soon as they realized it, my aunt and uncle changed tactics and Uncle Ethan pushed himself in front of us to help clear our path. That way when we got to the exit, he could shield us."

  
  
Resting his chin in the dip between his knees, Jim's clouded blue eyes, dark like the sky during a storm, look off somewhere between his feet and Leonard's body. "When we got outside, my aunt and uncle were screaming at us to run. I squeezed Joan's hand tight and ran with her as fast as either of our legs could carry us, my uncle just ahead of us until--" He squeezes his eyes shut, a trickle of tears leaking out from between his lashes. Leonard's chest is agonizingly tight, and he knows there are tears falling freely down his own face. He also realizes his mouth is hanging open, but he can't get himself to close it despite all the years of being told by his Gran that he’d catch flies with his mouth open like that.

  
  
"Oh, God. Jim..."

  
  
"I almost tripped over him we were running so fast. Joan and I both stopped. She screamed when she saw him on the ground, not moving...a smoking phaser mark on his back. And Aunt Liza --the sound she made, Bones...it still haunts me. It was the worst sound I'd ever heard and Joan and I were absolutely frozen in shock while everyone was running and screaming. Phaser blasts were flying off in every direction, zooming past us. Aunt Liza recovered first. She scooped Joan up into her arms even though the kid was definitely too big for that, grabbed my hand, and started running. We almost made it to the treeline where we would've been able to get out of the line of fire when a shot tore right past me. It grazed my arm, and I stopped to clutch my arm.” 

 

Leonard sucks in a breath when he sees Jim subconsciously reaching for his bicep, rubbing up and down his arm where the mark must be. He recalls seeing it before, back when they were in their first year and only roommates and reluctant friends. Leonard had changed into civvies in preparation for a night on the town to celebrate finishing midterms. Jim, having only just returned from his last exam, was still in his cadet reds. Having no shame, Jim had stripped off his uniform, pulled his undershirt up over his head, and exposed nearly his entire bare frame to Leonard without batting a damn eye.

 

_ “You goddamn heathen, don’t you have any sense of decency? I don’t wanna watch you get changed!” _

 

_ “What, don’t like what you see, Bones? I got nothin’ to hide!” _

 

_ “There’s a little thing I learned about back home called ‘civility’ and another one called ‘decency.’ No matter how damn body-positive y’are, it’s polite to take your changin’ business somewhere private. Or do those kinds o’ values not exist in Hickville, Iowa?” _

 

_ Jim shoots him that shitty little grin that Leonard hates more than anything. “It exists. I think I was absent during those lessons. Or I wasn’t paying attention. Either way, I haven’t had anyone really complain about it.” _

 

_ “That’s ‘cause they for some reason actually  _ wanted  _ to be with you. I just got landed with you by the most unfortunate of circumstances.” _

 

_ Jim rolls his eyes, pulling on a pair of tight, dark jeans. “C’mon, Bones, surely I’m not all bad.” And as he turns to grab a shirt from his closet, Leonard sees the odd, familiar-looking pattern of what appears to be a phaser burn on Jim’s arm. _

 

_ “What the hell is that?” he finds himself asking, and Jim halts, hanger in hand and looking utterly confused. _

 

_ “Um...a shirt?” he smartly replies, staring at Leonard like he has ten eyes. _

 

_ Leonard would make more of a show of being utterly annoyed and truly Done with him if he wasn’t so interested in the phaser burn scar on Jim’s upper arm. It doesn’t look like it ever fully healed and it doesn’t look recent. By all means, a burn like that never should’ve even left a mark in the first place, which means the moron never had a single dermal regen. treatment. “On your arm. What’s that mark right there?” Leonard says, gesturing to it as Jim looks down to examine the area. _

 

_ “Oh, that?” he casually replies, staring down at the mark with an odd, distant expression on his face. His eyes darken briefly as he stares down at it, probably recalling the unfortunate circumstance under which he received the mark. Leonard figures he got it for doing something stupid. Maybe he got it during his short time so far at the Academy during a training exercise. Had he started training exercises yet? “I got into a fight with a guy over another guy. A real hot piece of ass, Bones. Deep brown eyes and thighs like--” _

 

_ “Ugh, God, please stop,” Leonard whines, making a face. _

 

_ “Anyways, me and this not-so-hot guy. We were just throwing fists, but out of nowhere the dude pulls a phaser out of his jacket and I tried to dodge it but he grazed me. Fucking cheater.” _

 

_ ‘Liar,’ _ Leonard had thought at the time. Something about the story hadn’t sat right with Leonard. He hadn’t bought it then, and realizing that Jim was unlikely to tell him the true story, he never brought it up again. Now he knows that he was right not to believe it.

 

Jim continues. “I must’ve cried out when I got hit and my Aunt Liza heard. She glanced over and was about to ask if I was alright when I saw a streak of light come up behind her. I didn't get a chance to warn her. I blinked, and suddenly Joan was flying out of her arms into the dirt. Aunt Liza fell to the ground with a scorching black hole in her back to match Uncle Ethan’s and I knew I didn't need to check. I knew she was dead. Joan had crawled over to her, kneeling above her and screaming. She was grabbing her, shaking her and trying to get her to stand up. I took her by the arms and dragged her away as the guards continued to fire at us."

  
  
"They fired at kids! Jesus Christ! Just goddamn children! How could they--?" Leonard demanded in anguish, his voice shaking. Jim always likes to say Bones is secretly Bleeding Heart, and right now he can't agree more. He literally feels like his heart _is_ bleeding. He might as well just rip it out of his chest now. God, his gut has always churned at the mention of Tarsus, but hearing everything from Jim; knowing that it all happened to _Jim_ made it so much worse.

  
  
"When we got into the woods, I knew it wouldn't be long before the guards caught up with us if we didn’t keep moving, so I continued to drag Joan along as she cried for her mom and dad. At one point, the terrain got really uneven and since I wasn't paying as much attention to it as I should've been with this flailing kid in my arms and all, I tripped. Joan went to help me up, but someone else offered me a hand, instead. I took it and when I got back on my feet, this kid that was maybe two years older than me was standing there, shirt ripped in a few places, dirt on his pants, and blood on his face. He told me there were other kids that had survived the chambers and the firing squad around the square. He suggested we round everyone up and find a place to hide, so we did."  


  
"The Tarsus Nine," Leonard quietly notes.  


 

Jim shakes his head. "There were more than nine. At the beginning, there were seventeen of us."   


 

"Fuck," Leonard says, and the tears come streaming anew. " _ Fuck _ ."

 

“We ran for hours, way into the woods, not sure how far they’d follow us but knowing we had to get far away from the settlement. Tommy and I were the oldest, so we wound up being the leaders of the group. Together we decided to stop running and look for somewhere to hide that could serve as a permanent shelter. We found a cave that suited our needs perfectly, so we hid everyone there. We spent the night in there, too afraid to go out in search of food in case we were found and trying to keep the smaller kids calm so they wouldn’t potentially give us away. Tommy and I tried our best. Joan was only nine and she was still upset about her parents, but when she saw there were other, younger kids in need of comforting she just...pushed it aside and helped us to calm the younger ones down. It was incredible, Bones.”

 

Leonard almost rolls his eyes at the typical Kirkian habit of diminishing his own daring, incredible deeds and embellishing others’. Not that Joan’s own bravery wasn’t amazing, because it certainly was. It’s a trait frequently found in outstanding medical professionals. Their own pains and troubles are forgotten when faced with the pains of others. “Sounds like she has the heart and mind of a physician.”

 

“Yeah,” Jim says, smiling sadly, “I bet she would’ve made a really great doctor. She mentioned being interested in medicine…”

 

“Jim, no. She didn’t…” Leonard says, horrified as he realizes what Jim means.

 

He nods, closing his eyes to bid away tears. “She did. Two days before I-- Tommy had gotten hurt a week after we found our cave while on a run with me for supplies and couldn’t go out anymore. He broke his leg. I starting going alone mostly, unless I needed to make a big trip that required another pair of hands. Usually I took Vince, some eleven-year-old kid I’d never met until we found him in the woods the day of the execution. But after Vince...when Vince died...I went alone after that.”

 

Of course he had. Even if Vince died of starvation or dehydration and not on one of the supply missions, Jim wouldn’t have wanted to risk any other kid’s safety. And he wouldn’t have wanted anyone any younger than himself going on such dangerous runs into the colony where any guard who spotted them would try to kill them on sight or capture and torture them for information. Leonard remembers hearing reports of a young boy, speculated to be only twelve years old, being displayed as a warning to the surviving colonists not to steal or disobey Kodos’ orders. While no one knew the identity of the kid, he was assumed to have died, having been left out by Kodos to starve and burn in the sun. A grim spectacle for the colonists of Tarsus to watch rot away before them.

 

“But three weeks in, the youngest of our group weren’t doing so good. They were dehydrated, they were starving, they were always cold and shivering. They kept telling us they were freezing, and it was even worse at night.”

 

 _A common side-effect of starvation,_ Leonard thinks to himself. Blood pressure drops, blood flow slows, and shock eventually sets in as the body shuts itself down to survive. This also leads to a drop in body temperature. If untreated, hypotension can lead one to slip into a coma or die. Complaints of being cold and shivering were dangerous signs that the body was close to complete shutdown.

 

“Knowing that the kids were in serious danger, I had to go out and get supplies and I knew it was gonna be a big run. I had to get blankets, food, medicine...I had to take someone. Unfortunately, Joan was the next oldest kid in the group and we had all agreed that the oldest kids would make the supply runs. I tried to tell them all I could do it myself so Joan wouldn’t have to go. I didn’t want her to, but Tommy insisted I let her, so I did.”

 

The symptoms and side-effects of starvation are not unknown to Leonard. He’s never seen them first hand, but he knows the devastation such a slow and awful death can bring upon the body before death actually comes. He’s seen countless pictures that made his insides churn and turn his face green. He recalls a class in which his professor had dug up old Earth photos from the Holocaust in the 1940s, with adults and children horribly emaciated and close to death. Husks of human beings staring hauntingly into the camera, ribs and joints practically poking out of the skin. Eyes sunk deep into skulls with flesh stretched thin. 

 

When he first started college, before the Tarsus IV Massacre, he believed those horrors were far, far off in the past. 

 

Now Leonard is particularly glad for his lack of imagination, as it spares him the ability to create a mental image of what a young, absolutely emaciated Jim Kirk might’ve looked like. But he remembers the images of the children of the Holocaust --the little Jewish boys and girls who had been deemed ‘inferior’ and unworthy of life. They might not have even known how or why they were different from any other kids, just that they were different and that they were going to suffer for it. He can’t imagine seeing them in person; how much more heartbreaking and sickening it would’ve been.

 

In college he had so desperately wished to be able to go back in time and save those children in the 20th century and those on Tarsus from such a fate. To reach out, grab their hands, and care for them the way children are meant to be cared for and cherished. No child should ever know such pain.

 

Were he on Tarsus, he would have done the same thing as Jim. He would brave a colony of starving citizens and callous soldiers ready to kill him on sight; he would risk his life for a group of kids he deemed himself responsible for. He would do anything to stop them from wasting away in the most slow and agonizing way possible.

 

“Because the kids needed not just food, but medicine also, we had to get into the hospital. That was heavily guarded, of course. It wasn’t hard, though. Joan and I successfully got inside, grabbed the supplies, and went to make our way out. But the guard rotation had apparently changed its schedule --maybe because they’d figured out someone was stealing supplies-- and they caught us sneaking out. I handed off what supplies I could to Joan, telling her to run and not look back. I stayed behind to distract them.”

 

Silently, Leonard wonders who it was that tipped the guards off. It’s possible Kodos’ men would have been looking for signs of theft and been keeping a close eye on supplies both food and survival related, but Leonard highly suspects a member of the hospital staff was responsible. His blood boils at the very thought that someone working at the hospital was either obeying Kodos out of fear for their own life and their family’s lives or had agreed with Kodos to begin with. Surely they would’ve figured the only people who even needed to steal supplies were people not getting them in the first place --people who were not part of the 4,000 colonists allowed to live. If they had figured that, then they would have told the guards. There was no way they didn’t know they were endangering the children who were taking the supplies. 

 

Whoever did was no true medical professional in Leonard’s book, for they’d violated the ‘Do No Harm’ oath they had sworn to uphold upon earning their license to practice. And denying help to those who needed it? That was a violation in Leonard’s book by any so-called healer. It was a grievous wrong.

 

Had he somehow been on Tarsus IV at the time and been a survivor, Leonard would’ve smuggled supplies to the outskirts of the settlement himself, dammit. He’d have done everything in his power to stop the suffering of those children.

 

“I let her get a good head start before I followed after her, but they stunned me with one of their phaser rifles while I tried to get away. They tackled me to the ground and cuffed me. I think one of them then knocked me over the back of the head with his rifle, but I’m not sure. Next thing I knew, I was tied up in some dimly lit room with one of Kodos’ men looming over me and asking me where the other survivors were. He bragged about how they’d killed everyone else who had escaped the vaporization chambers and that it was only a matter of time before they found the other kids. The way he saw it, I had two options: let them die a slow and painful death from starvation or give him their location and they’d die quickly and painlessly.”

 

Leonard sneers in disgust. God, how could a man be so cold and unfeeling? How could he talk about the needless loss of 4,000 lives and not feel a single  _ sliver  _ of guilt! And then to tell a kid he had to choose to rat out his friends or not but that they were regardless going to die?

 

Jim has a similar disgusted look on his face. He sounds more angry than haunted now, fueled by his spite for the man who had interrogated him, tortured him, and bragged about the deaths of his friends, his family, his classmates, and his teachers all without a hint of remorse. “I refused to tell him a goddamn thing and said that he could go  _ fuck  _ himself for letting Kodos kill four thousand people including children. He hit me, hard. Didn’t seem to like what I said very much.”

 

Leonard shrugs. “No, I imagine not. I’d have said the same thing. Woulda used some more colorful phrasing, though,” he says with a bitter laugh. Jim smiles mirthlessly.

 

“He kept asking where the others were, how I’d managed to escape the execution, how we were stealing supplies and where we were stealing them from besides the hospital...I’m not sure how long he did that for. I figure three days or so, because once every so many hours --probably each day-- I’d get a piece of food. I got three shitty slices of bread. After day three, the guy got so frustrated with me that he untied me, knocked me to the ground, and just beat me until I blacked out. Last thing I remember was curling up to try to protect myself but he just kept kicking me. I couldn’t breathe. Everything felt sore and empty and broken. I was so relieved when I finally passed out.”

 

Leonard is practically shaking with a mix of emotions, amongst them horror and sorrow and anger. Right now it’s mostly anger. “And no one stepped in to stop him? No one even cared? How could anyone…?” he begins, but he lets the question die on his lips because he knows that clearly no one cared. They let four thousand people die. They fired at children running for their lives. They hunted those children and let them starve for weeks. Why would they blink an eye at a guy kicking a starving child just trying to save his friends? God, how could people be so  _ unfeeling _ ?

 

“I woke up tied to a pole in the middle of the square, the sun beating down on me. I knew at least one or two ribs were broken ‘cause I could barely breathe. Everything was sore. I was only standing because they’d tied me to the pole to keep my upright. It was so I could better be seen on display for everyone.”

 

Leonard’s eyes grow wide, heart skipping as he makes the connection. “That’s --wait, no. Jim, survivors mentioned that kid --they mentioned  _ you _ . You mean to tell me that you were the kid people kept telling stories about?” As if Jim’s story couldn’t be any more horrifying than it already was!

 

“Yeah, that was me.”

 

“They all thought you died,” Leonard says, voice barely above a whisper.

 

Jim lets out a humorless laugh. “To be honest, I thought I was dead, too. Well, about to be. I had no idea how much longer we’d be stuck on that planet without food. Starfleet was meant to arrive weeks before I’d been caught and yet they were nowhere to be found. I figured I’d waste away in that square and the rest of the colonists would just watch and wait.

 

“I remember that after the first day, they began posting guards on either side of me the entire time in case anyone tried to help me or bring me food. There--” he pauses, voice breaking. Leonard knows what he’s talking about. He doesn’t need Jim to elaborate.

 

“People did try to help you. A couple of them died. I know.”

 

Jim shakes his head. “I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to waste their lives on me. I didn’t want anyone doing that. I remember one time having just enough strength to shout to one of those people not to do it, not for me, but they kept coming toward me anyway. They died right at my feet,” he says, choking off a sob.

 

Leonard stares at him, eyes swollen and brimming with tears. But he doesn’t say anything until Jim looks back. “No one wants to see a child suffering like that. As survivors, they probably wanted to alleviate their guilt, too. But they probably did it most of all because they saw an innocent kid who put his life on the line to help others. They wanted to help a selfless kid.”

 

“I know. But I wasn’t worth that.”

 

“I disagree,” Leonard says, voice low but full of conviction. “You did what no other kid or adult on that planet did. They saw that and they wanted to help the brave kid they knew had done all that and see him live--”

 

“I didn’t  _ want  _ anyone risking their life for  _ me _ , Bones!” Jim shouts, interrupting him. “I let others die and for that I deserved to die, too,” he adds, more quietly.

 

“Like  _ hell _ you did! Jim, I keep hearing you talk about all the lives you couldn’t save, but what about all the ones you  _ did _ ? What about the courage you inspired in others, spurring them into action to help you?” Jim glances down at the thread in his uniform pants again, picking at the seam. Leonard huffs with annoyance and lightly smacks Jim’s hand away. Gently he cups Jim’s chin in his hand and tilts his head up so he looks Leonard straight in the eye. Only when Jim’s eyes reluctantly lock with his does he continue. “You proved time and again from the moment you decided to verify those rumors until the moment you were saved from that damn planet that you were worth saving and that Kodos was dead wrong about you and everyone else he had killed!

 

“And despite your absolute best efforts, yeah, some people died. But that was for a lot of other reasons that were  _ way _ beyond your control and I’ll be damned if I let you keep thinking you can keep blaming yourself for their deaths!”

 

He thinks of all the times he’s lost someone on the operating table while working as a trauma surgeon in Atlanta. When he first started, he told himself not to let their deaths get to him. He’d be told countless times while he was a resident and while interning that he should never go about blaming himself or carrying a death with him, as it would lead to his own destruction. Sometimes people died no matter how good you were. But when he came out of surgery and realized that the family of a young man who’d been in a traffic accident was waiting outside and that it was  _ he  _ who had to deliver the news that the man had died in his care, Leonard was a wreck for two weeks after that. 

 

He thinks of his father _.  _ When his old man begged for Leonard to help him die, he hardly questioned the request. He saw the look in his father’s eyes, the pain and the absolute desperation. Leonard couldn’t really blame him for wanting to end the suffering and to go out on his own terms with his beloved son right beside him. It wasn’t the decision to help his father die that hurt and haunted him, however. No, it was the discovery of a cure just one month later for his father’s illness that had shattered his heart and left him scrambling to collect the fractured fragments; that left him doubting that he’d ever done the right thing; that made him question just how good of a doctor he was if he couldn’t save his own father.

 

“I’ve been there, Jim. As a doctor, with someone else’s life in my hands, I’ve been there. You know about my paw and how he entrusted his life in my hands and how I failed him.”

 

“But Bones, you didn’t really--”

 

“I’ve hated myself and thought I deserved to die, so I get it, Jim. But I realized that sometimes despite how damn good I might be, there are just some people I won’t be able to save. If I kept thinking the way you do, I’d have destroyed myself emotionally. Perhaps physically. But I know I can’t blame myself for every death that happens on my operating table. I can’t play God, and neither can you. So you gotta stop blaming yourself because you’ll destroy yourself if you keep that up.”

 

Jim just stares, red-rimmed eyes from all the crying making his eyes that much bluer. It physically hurts to look into them and see the confusion, doubt, hesitation, and guilt swimming in them. They don’t belong there.

 

“Never doubt that you are worth saving, Jim Kirk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter should be the last that deals with Jim's account of Tarsus. Please, please, please leave a comment and/or kudos --preferably AND!-- to let me know what you think of the story so far, especially these Tarsus chapters! I'm very nervous about how they turned out.
> 
> Again, if there's a warning you think I'm missing and should add, please let me know!
> 
> Look for the next installation in about a week. In the meantime, bookmark, subscribe, etc. Thanks, y'all!


	6. Don't Carry It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh LORDY I'm so, SO sorry for this update taking as long as it did! Life has been busy and I was sick ALL last week and didn't feel like doing much of anything. 
> 
> Nevertheless, here's the next chapter at last! And yes, you get to find out what happened to Joan.
> 
> Thank you SO much for all the wonderful reviews and the overwhelming response to this fic in general via comments, kudos, bookmarks, and views. I'm so glad you're all enjoying this!
> 
> Chapter title taken from the song Don't Carry It All by The Decemberists. Great song for Jim, I think. ;)

“Never doubt that you are worth saving, Jim Kirk,” Leonard says, and Jim continues to stare at him, wide eyes blinking almost in disbelief. God, curse the bastards who ever made  _ Jim Kirk  _ think he didn’t deserve to live!

 

“Kodos--”

 

“Can go fuck himself. In the afterlife or hell or wherever that bastard is. I don’t care. He was full of it and you deserve the world, Jim. You deserve to make your mark on it and God or the universe or whoever the hell it is that runs all of creation will come knockin’ on your door when you’re done and not a moment sooner.”

 

Jim sniffles, then tries to swallow back a sob that threatens to escape his lips. He opens his mouth, takes a few deep breaths in and out. Leonard patiently waits, taking Jim’s hand and rubbing circles across the back of his hand to soothe him. Finally, after a long moment, Jim speaks. “Every time this anniversary comes around, I feel like a failure. Like I’m wasting the life I’ve been given. Like I need to  _ stop  _ wasting it and start  _ living _ it...and then live another four thousand more, but then I realize I’ll never be able to live a life full enough to make up for all those people who never got to live their own.”

 

“You can’t think about it like that, Jim,” Leonard gently reminds him. “You can’t keep thinking you owe the dead anything. The best tribute you can pay to all of them is to live your own life and that’s it.”

 

“But Aunt Liza and Uncle Ethan...Joan…”

 

“Joan…” Leonard heaves a sigh. Shuts his eyes. 

 

“I didn’t tell you what happened to her, did I?” Leonard shakes his head.

“I didn’t know she’d...I had no idea until after we left the colony that she tried to save me. I think Kodos’ men intended to capture her, too, so they could try again with the whole interrogation thing to see if they could find the rest of our group. But when she tried to sneak in I guess the guard who saw her didn’t know or didn’t care. Or he was caught off guard and fired his phaser on impulse. Whatever the reason was doesn’t really matter, though. She got hit with a phaser blast and made it back to our hideout, but she died either from infection or just the severity of her wounds. No one was really sure; not like any of them were doctors. Tommy was the one who told me.”

 

“Jim, I…” Leonard begins, but he really doesn’t know where he wants to go with this. ‘I’m sorry’ hardly suffices. He winds up saying it anyway. “I’m so, so sorry. That’s awful.”

 

Jim just nods. “I bet you she would’ve been applying to Starfleet before she even turned seventeen.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Jim smiles. “Yeah. She was smart. She was passionate. She was fearless. She would’ve been a great doctor, but I bet you she would’ve been a great captain someday, too.”

 

“She’d be proud to see  _ you _ workin’ toward that dream of a captaincy, I bet,” Leonard says.

 

“I’m sure you’re right,” Jim says, not sounding completely convinced.

 

“You kiddin’? I’m always right,” Leonard teases, trying to lighten the mood a little. Jim’s face brightens, the smile on his face reaching his eyes for a moment before it fades and he sighs.

 

“You know I tried to stay alive, if only for Joan, while I was tied up in the square?”

 

“She probably tried to do the same for you while in that cave,” Leonard offers, figuring it’s probably not much of a consolation but putting it out there anyway.

 

“Probably,” Jim agrees. “Captain Pike was a lieutenant commander under Captain Archer at the time . When he came in with a crew and rescued me, I kept asking for her but none of them knew what to say. They didn’t even realize at first that there were other survivors. Kodos and his men hadn’t mentioned them and Archer’s crew had assumed the worst. I was pretty out of it from the dehydration and the starvation and everything, but when they told me they didn’t know about the others, I put every ounce of my remaining energy into helping Pike find them.”

 

“Wait. Captain Pike was there?”

 

“He was the one who found me. I was gagged and blindfolded after the first rescue attempt and hadn’t seen anything or spoken to anyone in who knows how long. His was the first face I’d seen in days.”

 

“Monsters,” Leonard growls under his breath, referring to the inhumane bastards who had gagged and blindfolded a scared, starved, defenseless thirteen-year-old boy just trying to stop others from getting hurt.

 

Jim doesn’t respond, instead continuing his story without missing a beat. “I made them take me along to the cave, saying they would have to have me there to help them find it and to make sure the other kids knew it was okay to come out. I made it long enough to point to the cave, with Pike basically carrying me, and then I passed out.”

 

“Yeah, I’m surprised you made it even that far,” Leonard can’t help but interject in his typical gruff tone. Jim chuckles a little at that. A bit of normalcy that has squeezed its way into this awful conversation. “So I guess they must’ve beamed you up to the  _ Enterprise _ for treatment while they rounded up the kids.”

 

Jim shrugs. “I woke up days later to see Tommy sitting on my bed, his leg almost fully healed, waiting for me. That’s when he told me what happened. I knew he was trying to avoid mentioning Joan, but I kept asking about her, so finally he just broke down and told me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Leonard says again, rather pointlessly. But he doesn’t quite know what else to reply with.

 

“I know, Bones,” Jim solemnly replies, squeezing his hand.

 

“Do you still talk to Tommy like you do Kevin?” Leonard asks after a long, heavy silence has passed between them.

 

Jim shakes his head. “He ah...he was a little tough to be around. Most of us tried to move on, but Tommy always seemed...stuck back there, reliving the horrors and trying to talk about it with us like my therapists tried to do. He was always trying to talk to me about regrets we might have, things we could’ve done differently...He kept mentioning the kids who died, especially the ones who’d died after I was captured. Especially Joan.”

 

Leonard winces. “Yeah, I can see why you wouldn’t have wanted to be around him.” He can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for Jim just after Tarsus, but he can see the effect it has on Jim today. The burden it bears on him still. The guilt and regret he undeservedly heaps upon himself. To be around Tommy when he was trying to forget the living nightmare of Tarsus, to move past all his mistakes...Leonard understands it completely. But he almost feels bad for the other boy. Everyone copes in their own way with trauma, and Tommy only wanted to talk about his.

 

“I tried to tell him it was uncomfortable. That I wanted to move past it and try my best to forget the horrible things I’d been witness to. He said that if we tried to bury it like that then we were basically condoning it; that we were forgetting it and letting it slip away into obscurity when it was a modern day travesty that needed to be remembered,” Jim says, sighing. “The other kids tried to tell him, too, but he just wouldn’t listen.”

 

“But he still continued,” Leonard concludes. “Kept trying to talk to you guys about what happened.”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

“When was the last time you two spoke?” he asks softly, not trying to pry but also curious to know.

 

“Three years ago. He’d just finished college. He’s an empirical research scientist specializing in food technology and the creation of synthetic food, that sort of thing. Three guesses why,” Jim says, giving Leonard a look that says he clearly thinks little of Leighton’s career path.

 

Leonard feels he can understand both views: Leighton’s desire to stop something like Tarsus from ever happening again and Jim’s concern that his friend is stuck in the past. If he’s being honest, Leonard feels a little unsettled by Jim’s description of Tommy Leighton. As a professional psychologist, it sounds like Leighton has some extreme PTSD and survivor’s guilt. While wanting to talk to others who have shared your experience is common and wanting to work towards improving life for others so they don’t have to go through your troubles, too, is no less common either, Leonard senses that the kid is almost desperately, unhealthily driven by the events on Tarsus. It just doesn’t seem right. He seems like a kid drowning in the most unpleasant of memories, unable to move on. 

 

“He called to tell me he was moving off-world to some other planet to study food samples, but that wasn’t the real reason he called. He said that he had a lead.”

 

“A  _ lead? _ A lead on  _ what _ ?”

 

“For seven years he kept contacting all of us about this... _ insane  _ theory of his. He  _ insisted  _ that Kodos was…” Jim swallows, and Leonard knows exactly what word should come next. No wonder Jim is finding it difficult to continue.

 

“He thought he was a _ live _ ?” Leonard asks, disbelieving.

 

Jim nods. “Yeah. From the moment we left Tarsus to the last time I spoke with him, Tommy kept insisting that Kodos hadn’t died. That he was alive somehow and had escaped.”

 

“They found his body,” Leonard counters, even though he knows Jim doesn’t need to hear the evidence against Leighton’s claim. Jim has surely stated these facts himself numerous times, but Leonard feels the need to say it himself. Almost like a superstition to cast away a curse. Kodos’ name certainly did seem curse-worthy. “He died in the fire he caused when he and his men were facing off the  _ Enterprise _ ’s security at his compound. They wanted to capture him so he could face trial, but he obviously didn’t want to be taken alive. Everyone knows that.”

 

“Tommy thought it was made up. A conspiracy, a hoax --I dunno, Bones. I told him just what you said a dozen times. He didn’t believe me,” he says, closing his eyes and sighing. He looks older and more weary than any twenty-three-year-old should ever be.

 

“How about the other kids? Do you talk to any of them still?”

 

“Of course,” Jim says, looking up at Leonard with a newfound energy. “They’re my kids, Bones. Of course I still talk to my kids. I call them on their birthdays, on the holidays they celebrate, at the beginning and the end of each school year…” he smiles a little, just like a proud parent would. Like Leonard does whenever he talks to Jo and she tells him all about how her life’s going, what school’s like, what she’s accomplished, what she’s created. She’s always showing off a new assignment to him.

 

And it strikes Leonard that Jim might be the only parental figure some of these kids have. The thought pulls at Leonard’s heartstrings. He feels his cheeks grow warm, his eyes beginning to blur.  _ Dammit, McCoy, pull yourself together! _

 

“They’re damn lucky to have you looking out for them, Jim,” Leonard says softly, a teary-eyed and proud smile gracing his face. Jim looks back and flashes his own watery grin back.

 

“I feel like it’s me who’s lucky. I thought I failed them, but all they see is Mama Jim. A hero, a surrogate parent, a protector, a provider…”

 

“That’s cause they’re smart cookies, Jim, and they understand what I keep tryin’ to tell ya’: you  _ saved _ them. Maybe you didn’t save everyone, but you tried your  _ damn  _ hardest to do so and you still managed to save eight lives. Don’t disregard that accomplishment, Jim. You’re the reason they’re alive and they love you for being there for them and for everything you did.”

 

Jim shrugs, unconvinced. Leonard lets out a frustrated grunt. 

 

“I’m sorry, Bones,” he says after hearing the noise Leonard makes. “I’m really trying to pick up what you’re puttin’ down, but I just can’t see it like that yet. I just keep seeing all the failures.”

 

“Well I’ll keep remindin’ ya’ for as long as you need me to until you believe it, okay?”

 

Jim looks up and his face brightens up a little, his eyes looking a little less haunted and his lips pulled into the slightest of true and honest smiles. “Thanks, Bones.”

 

“Anythin’ for you, sugar,” he murmurs as he pulls Jim close and strokes his hair.

 

For a long, long while they just sit there like that, balled up with Leonard’s arms wrapped around Jim’s frame as he holds him close. He switches off between stroking Jim’s his hair and rubbing circles on the small of his back. Soon he hears Jim’s breathing even out, and even Leonard feels his fingers slow their soothing motions and grow heavy. Just as he feels himself slipping off to sleep, he feels Jim move.

 

“‘Ones,” he groggily calls out. “Bones!” he repeats, louder and more clearly this time. Leonard loosens his grip and looks at him, worried at the panicked tone of his voice. When Jim lifts his head to look at Leonard, his face looks just as frightened as his voice sounds.

 

“Jim, what’s wrong?”

 

“I--Bones, I can’t--I  _ don’t  _ want to go to sleep. I mean, not yet, anyway. I need some time to...to get this off my mind more. Don’t make me go to sleep yet, Bones. I don’t want to. I’m not ready, I can’t--” he says hurriedly, looking more manic as he continues.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses, there, darlin’!” he says, grabbing Jim by the shoulders and rubbing up and down along his arms. “It’s okay! We don’t have to sleep yet. I won’t make you. I get it, you’re not ready. It’s still pretty early, anyway. How ‘bout we do somethin’ to help get your mind off of things?” 

 

Shakily, Jim nods. “Let’s go for a walk. I think I wanna stretch my legs. Feel some fresh air,” he decides.

 

“Alright.” Whatever Jim wants to do that will make all of this easier for him. “I’ll go get our jackets; it’s probably a little chilly out now.” He leans in, hand cupping Jim’s face as he gives his boyfriend a quick kiss on the lips. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he says, lifting himself off the sofa. Jim looks a little distressed and forlorn at the loss of Leonard’s proximity, and Leonard hates to leave him there, even if only for a moment, looking so distraught and small and lost...

 

But Jim merely gives him a look to mean that he’ll be fine and that Leonard should go ahead. So he does.

 

He comes back a minute later with two jackets slung across his arm and a pair of shoes in each hand. After throwing on their jackets and shoes, they head out into the cool San Francisco night.

 

They start towards the quad, not really knowing where to go at first, but then Jim veers them off in the direction of the engineering and warp sciences buildings. It’s a path with few buildings along the way and no undergraduate dorms; a seldom traveled route except by those graduate students and their families who live directly north of the campus. They take the path that runs along the San Francisco Bay on the east side of the Golden Gate Bridge. It’s too far away from the coast, but it’s quiet and calming, which is exactly what Jim needs. To his right, Leonard sees the shadow of the library in the distance and it makes him wonder about classes and schoolwork and--

 

“Hey, Jim,” he says gently, so as not to shake his boyfriend too roughly out of whatever reverie he might be in the middle of. The last thing he wants to do is  to startle him.

 

“Yeah, Bones?” Jim looks over, brow raised.

 

“Do you need a doctor’s note to get out of our next class with Captain Kunal?” If he doesn’t, Leonard will write one himself. Or get a friend to do it. There are a few folks around the Academy Clinic who owe him a favor or three. That way Kunal won’t recognize the name on the note. Regardless, however he obtains it-- and he  _ will  _ obtain it, if Jim asks for it-- he will do whatever it takes to make sure Jim doesn’t have to sit through a class where their colleagues will debate the ethical conduct, the response, the reactions, and everything else about Tarsus IV. The kid shouldn’t be objected to that. Hell, if Jim tries to resist, Leonard will force him to skip the class himself.

 

“Nah, I already got a note. From Captain Pike, though, not a doc. But thanks for offering.” He flashes Leonard a grateful smile, eyes warm and sincere.  _ God can this boy smile _ , Leonard distantly thinks. He’s so head over heels he oughta be ashamed of himself.

 

“Good, I didn’t want to have to force you to sit that one out.”

 

“Trust me, Bones, I wouldn’t wanna be there. No need to force me to do anything.”

 

“Well, aside from that, how are the rest of your classes?” Leonard asks, and that’s when Jim goes off on a tangent, as he knew Jim would if he asked, his bright eyes a brilliant contrast to the dim lights that illuminate the pathway. His hands fly as he begins to animatedly tell Leonard about some kind of complicated engineering mumbojumbo. 

 

Of course, the kid has his hands in everything. The course is a more advanced engineering track one that isn’t even a requisite for command track cadets --Jim’s taking it for fun, the goddamn lunatic! Leonard doesn’t understand why he subjects himself to this kind of stuff when he’s already on an accelerated track and under extreme pressure to perform well in order to stick to his insane three year plan. 

 

And why would he want to know more about the big tin can death traps they call starships and what could go wrong with them at any point, anyway? In this regard, Leonard’s pretty sure that ignorance is bliss.

 

But listening to and watching Jim talk about something he’s interested in is heartwarming to see. Leonard had almost forgotten what the usual Jim Kirk is like after the days of quiet and tense behavior. And after today, with the entire tale of Tarsus being unraveled for Leonard...Jim had bared his soul. Mind and body weak and raw with emotion. That first call with Winona now seems like a year, not a week ago.

 

Jim leads them both across the rail line that connects the two transit stations on campus. They follow the path behind the library and to the observatory.

 

“Feel like lookin’ at the stars tonight, Jim?” Leonard inquires as they make their way toward the building. Jim opens the door and gestures for Leonard to enter as he holds it open.

 

They go to the second highest floor. The top floor, the one above, is reserved only for those doing research using the telescopes stored there. The penultimate floor, however, is merely an observation lounge and has a stunning view. The dome shape of the observatory’s ceiling in this part of the building allows one to still have a near uneclipsed view of the sky out beyond the Bay. No one else is on this floor, to Leonard’s great relief and gratitude. Jim makes a beeline for one of the reclining sofas that sits around the rim of the room. Leonard’s never been here, but he can tell that Jim is familiar with it. 

 

Appearing to have sensed Leonard’s curiosity with his familiarity, Jim explains, “It’s a nice place to relax and get my mind off of things. Sometimes I run simulations in the planetarium, too.”

 

“Like you used to do back at home in Iowa on the roof?”

 

Jim chuckles. “Yeah.”

 

He sits down beside Jim and throws an arm around him, pulling him in. “Nice view tonight.”

 

“I bet it looks even better from up there,” Jim remarks. “Think about it, Bones. One day, you and me and a starship exploring the galaxy, parts known and unknown…”

 

Leonard sighs dramatically, sounding tired, but he’s glad to hear the spiel Jim has given a million times already. This is familiar territory, and Leonard sinks back into the comfortable routine of the curmudgeonly country doctor woefully and reluctantly dragging his ass through the ‘Fleet Academy and, eventually, space itself because he fell in love with some reckless adventurer with a pisspoor survival instinct and pitiful ability to care for himself. “Diseases known and unknown, dangers of the gaping and endless void of space both known and unknown...All sorts o’ new ways to die. Sounds like more fun than a barnyard dance.”

 

Jim laughs, the sound genuine and refreshing. “Or, you know, you could stay here on Earth and--”

 

“Hell no,” Leonard cuts in. “I already told ya’, darlin’: anywhere you go, I’m followin’. Don’t mean I’m not gonna complain endlessly about it while I do, is all.”

  
“Love you, too, Bones,” Jim replies, leaning into Leonard’s embrace and resting his head on his shoulder. They sit like that for who knows how long, staring up at the sky and lying in each other’s arms. Leonard figures Jim needs the touch and proximity as much as he does. After everything he’s learned about Tarsus today, he feels this desire --no,  _ need--  _ to hold his lover close and reassure them both that Jim is fine. He’s alive and he’s thriving, Kodos is dead, the crops aren’t failing, and Jim is right where he should be where he’s loved and appreciated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really not planning on next chapter taking so ridiculously long to publish, so hopefully by next week I'll have the next one out! 
> 
> Again, make sure you leave kudos, leave comments, and have a great Thanksgiving if you're in the States and celebrate!


	7. Graceless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody! Enjoy this next chapter. It's got some seriousness, some banter, some cuddly stuff...hopefully it checks all or most of the boxes.
> 
> Also, to those of you who celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you had a good holiday!
> 
> Title from the song "Graceless" by The National.

Leonard comes back to himself, not sure just what time it is but knowing that it’s got to be getting late if it isn’t already. He estimates that at least a half hour has passed given that he and Jim have lapsed into a light sleep and it takes about half an hour to enter the first stage of the sleep cycle. 

 

His heavy eyelids slowly flutter open and adjust to the dim light of the observatory as he comes back to himself and reorients himself with his surroundings. Languidly, he stretches those sore and stiff limbs of his that are free.  _ Gettin’ too old for this sleepin’ on the couch stuff,  _ he thinks to himself. He looks down to see Jim, who is staring out into space like he was before they --just Leonard?-- fell asleep. There’s a deep, contemplative look on his face. Leonard inwardly sighs. Damn kid hasn’t slept, has he?

 

Knowing that they definitely need to head out now before they --or perhaps, more likely, just Leonard-- fall asleep again, he decides to grab Jim’s attention. “Hey, Jim?”

 

“Yeah, Bones?”

 

“It’s gettin’ late, sweetheart. We better get going. Class in the morning, plus work still left to finish. At least for me. If you need the day, you take it, okay?”

 

“Oh, yeah,” the blonde murmurs somewhat distractedly. Jim sluggishly sits up, rearranging himself to better face Leonard. He blinks up at him, like coming out of a daze rather than sleep, and Leonard sees a barely contained fear in his bright blue irises as Jim’s gaze falls on him. “Right, yeah. ‘Course I will.” He sounds weary...

 

“You alright?” Seeing the panic spread across Jim’s face, Leonard realizes that Jim doesn’t want to leave and face whatever nightmares he fears will come when he falls asleep tonight. He’s stalling.

 

But of course he nods in response and reassures Leonard he’ll be fine. It’s unconvincing. Leonard knows him too well by now for that to work on him, but he doesn’t call Jim out on it. Instead, he gets up off the sofa and offers Jim a hand to help him up. It’s a genuine offer of help, but it’s also a test to see whether Jim will come along with him. Wordlessly, Jim takes his hand and lets Leonard hoist him out of the seat. They head out of the observatory together. 

 

As they pass by the library, Leonard recalls the café nearby the cluster of dormitories just beyond it. Unable to help himself because he’s pretty sure coffee is in his bloodstream now, Leonard asks to make a detour to the 24/7 café to get something to help him through the rest of the work waiting for him back at their place. 

 

“If you want something, it better be decaf, Jim,” he says as they step in line behind a couple other ragged, sleep-deprived cadets and one Trill communications instructor. He can’t help but glance at the visible markings on the sides of her neck and the sides of her legs where her uniform skirt ends and her skin begins. Trill have always fascinated Leonard-- the fact that they can live years upon years in different hosts, living completely separate lives with completely different personalities yet remembering all of those lifetimes that came before...And the fact that they have so masterfully perfected the transition of the Trill body to a new host despite it being such a delicate procedure considering the fact that the physicians conducting the procedure hold two lives in their hands.

 

A familiarly obnoxious voice disrupts his thoughts. “Should I be jealous?” Jim teases, leaning in to murmur into Leonard’s ear.

 

Leonard growls, rolling his eyes. “No.” And then he looks over at Jim, the mock annoyance gone and in its place a fond look he reserves for Jim and Jim alone. “No one else in the world I’d rather have,” he says, cupping Jim’s face with his hand and planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. Jim reaches up to grab his wrist. As Leonard brings his hand down, Jim follows it, lacing their fingers together. Leonard gives Jim’s hand a light squeeze as Jim peers over at him out of the corner of his eyes and smiles.

 

And then, just as quickly as the tender moment came, it passes, and Asshole Jim returns. “So, okay,” he begins, and Leonard resists the urge to roll his eyes once more because he  _ knows  _ this tone. It’s the ‘I’m a Relentless Little Shit and I Know I Shouldn’t Be Asking This But I’m Gonna Ask It Anyway’ voice. “You said no caffeine, but how about like, half caffeine?” Jim abruptly asks as they step forward in line, the instructor one ahead of them now ordering.

 

Leonard’s head whips over to look at Jim. “This ain’t up for debate, sugar.”

 

“Bones, please, you know it burns through my system pretty quick, anyway. Weird metabolism and all that…”

 

“Uh-uh. No means no.”

 

“Bones, I just want to stay up for a  _ little  _ longer. Please? I know I need to sleep but I just-- Bones,” he says, his voice lowering and taking a more serious tone. Now  _ that _ gets his attention. “I’m not sure what’s gonna happen when I fall asleep tonight and I-- I’m not ready for that.”

 

“Well I don’t think caffeine is gonna help matters any, darlin’. I understand what you’re saying, but caffeine ain’t gonna fix your problems.”

 

The last person before them gets in line and begins to order.

 

“Please?” Jim begs, eyes big and blue and stricken with a true fear that Leonard’s never seen on his face before.

 

_ Dammit, Jim. _

 

He folds.

 

“Alright,  _ half-calf  _ and that’s  _ it,  _ okay?”

 

Jim looks visibly relieved. The corner of his mouth curls up into a smile; a grateful, hidden little smile that makes Leonard a little weak in the knees. And yeah, Leonard knows the coffee won’t help, but if it eases Jim’s mind? Then alright, he supposes he can live with the compromise. 

 

The cadet in front of them pays for her order and steps to the side. They step forward.

 

“Go ahead, Jim, you first,” he says, gesturing for Jim to order. Jim opens his mouth, ready to speak, but Leonard cuts him off to interject to the barista: “Whatever it is he gets, make sure it’s half-calf, please. Thanks.”

 

The barista nods and then directs his gaze over to Jim to await his order. Jim looks put out, but goes ahead and orders.

 

Five minutes later, they’re exiting the café and heading back to their dorm, each with a hot cup of coffee in hand. 

 

When they return home, Leonard has every intention of getting some classwork done, but he sees how restless Jim still is and decides against it. Jim takes precedence over classwork any day.

 

“How ‘bout we watch somethin’?” he says as he takes off his jacket and throws it over the back of a chair. He’s not normally so lazy and disorganized, but today’s been one hell of a day. He’ll worry about his jacket later. 

 

“Like what?” Jim asks.

 

“Whatever you want, darlin’. Even those trashy old classical Earth movies. I won’t judge.”

 

“Don’t you have work to do?” Jim asks worriedly.

 

“Nah, it can wait. You come first. Always,” Leonard assures him with a gentle smile. Jim smiles back.

 

“Man do I love you,” Jim gushes, pulling him close and kissing him, lips still turned up into a smile.

 

Leonard chuckles as they pull away from each other. “Love you, too, sugar.”

 

“Alright, so if we’re doing a movie, I think I know just the one!” Jim says, growing excited. He runs off to his room, gone for only a few moments, his absence filled by the sound of things being pushed and shoved aside as he apparently roots through his sparse belongings.

 

Alas he returns with a holovid chip in hand, holding it high in triumph. And then, with a deliciously mischievous and childish grin, he announces his choice: “ _ Jurassic Park _ , baby!”

 

Leonard sighs in mock exasperation, rolling his eyes affectionately. Of course Jim would pick some old-ass classic Earth film with gore and guns and dinosaurs. He bets Winona is to blame for this. She seems like she’d be into the classics. Or perhaps she got it from George and then passed it on to Jim. He gets the sense that George was a big fan of vintage stuff --the corvette, the PX70, that  _ godforsaken Beastie Boys album! _

 

No, scratch that. He bets the Beastie Boys was  _ all  _ Winona!

 

Nevertheless, it’s not the worst choice Jim could’ve made. He had Bones watch it once before. It was a pretty solid film, even by today’s standards hundreds of years later. The animatronics were  _ damn  _ good.

 

“Alright, set it up,” Leonard says, ushering Jim toward the holoscreen.

 

“Yes!” Jim hisses excitedly, eagerly getting to work. Bones takes a moment to divest himself of his shoes by the door and quickly head into his room to change into some more comfortable clothing. He returns two minutes later to find Jim having set up the film and sitting on the couch sans pants as he spreads open a blanket.

 

“Jim,” Leonard curtly begins as he stands at the other end of the couch. “What have I said? No sitting on the couch without pants!”

 

“Aw, come on, Bones! We’ve had  _ sex  _ on this couch before. Wearing underwear while sitting on this couch is really the least of my crimes.”

 

Leonard grumbles. “That don’t mean--That was  _ one  _ time!”

 

“Technically, it was  _ two  _ times,” Jim amends with a coy smirk and a-- oh for fuck’s sake, was that a  _ wink? _ Unbelievable!

 

“What? No, it was one!”

 

“Two, Bones. Remember that time we came home and you were actually drunker than me for once and  _ suuuuper  _ handsy? I think it was right around Memorial Day or something. Whatever. But as soon as we closed the door, you were  _ on me _ . Shoving me into the apartment, pushing me back onto  _ this very couch _ , unbuckling my pants, pulling them down, and then bending down and mouthing my--”

 

“Jim!” 

 

Jim’s grinning like the evil little heathen he is as he continues, not letting Leonard’s scolding stop him there. “Like the damn tease that you are before you finally took  _ off  _ said underwear and wrapped your lips around--”

 

“Are we watchin’ your damn movie, or not?” Leonard interrupts, cheeks hot and flushed as he sits down on the couch and yanks on the blanket to pull some of the covers over himself. 

 

Jim lets the movie start, grinning insolently as he settles in with his coffee, leaning his body against Leonard’s.

 

With one hand holding his coffee, Leonard slips his free arm around Jim’s shoulders and pulls him close. 

 

“Goddamn heathen,” he murmurs, but it’s got no ire to it, as Jim well knows by now.

 

* * *

 

 

Approximately halfway in, they’ve both finished their coffees and Jim’s head has fallen onto Leonard’s shoulder. Absently, he combs through the ends of Jim’s hair at the nape of his neck. Jim seems to have fallen asleep, worn out as anyone would be by the mere emotional stress of the day. Leonard watches as Tim plays with night vision goggles while waiting for the power to return to the park until he and his sister hear the rumbling sounds of what is, of course, the footsteps of a T-Rex.

 

**“Where’s the goat?”**

 

The leg of the goat in question smacks down on the roof of the jeep, and Lex looks up and screams.

 

Slowly, the camera pans up through the windows of the jeep and up, revealing the T-Rex in all its prehistoric glory as it throws its head back and swallows the rest of the goat whole.

 

Begrudgingly, he admits that the special effects for the dinosaurs still hold up damn well even a couple centuries later. Jim told him the first time they watched this together about how they’d actually built robotic dinosaurs, including a full-scale T-Rex robot, for the film. Jim had fascinatedly told Bones, who listened in barely masked horror, about how the T-Rex robot was almost as deadly as the dinosaur itself was since apparently the thing could only be put together from _the_ _inside_. If it was turned off while someone was inside, the animatronic would go into its powered down position and the person inside would be crushed by the metal components within and they would, of course, die. It had almost happened to one crew member, but he had survived without injury. Quite a lucky bastard.

 

As the T-Rex lets loose an intimidating roar, Leonard looks down at Jim and sighs. Of  _ course  _ he falls asleep before the actual reveal of the T-Rex. But really, he’s glad Jim’s managed to fall asleep at all. Part of Leonard assumed that Jim would make it through the night due to sheer willpower. 

 

Not long after, when Dennis has met his end via raptor attack and Ellie goes in search of the tour group, Leonard finds himself drifting off, too.

 

Last thing he recalls before sleep claims him is the sound of people shouting as the T-Rex chases after the other jeep and Ian’s deadpan reply,  **“Think you’ll have that on the tour?”**

 

He awakes to more screaming, but this time it’s not coming from the holoscreen, but from the man in his arms. Just as he reaches a hand out in an attempt to pull Jim from the nightmare he’s clearly having, Leonard’s thrown from the couch and he thinks a hand or a foot collided with his face, but he doesn’t pause to consider it.

 

Immediately he sits back up and reaches for Jim.

 

“Jim, darlin’, it’s just a dream! You’re okay, you’re safe! You’re not on Tarsus!” he shouts as he grabs Jim’s shoulders and tries to hold him still as he thrashes, trying to get out of Leonard’s grip. “It’s me, it’s Bones! Jim, listen to my voice, darlin’.”

 

“Let me go, you bastards! You’re not getting a thing out of me!” Jim shouts deliriously, swinging blindly with his arms. Leonard grabs Jim’s wrists and pins them down to one side with one hand, pressing them against Jim’s hip as he runs his free hand through his love’s disheveled blond hair. He lets his thumb caress the side of Jim’s face, hoping all the gentle contact will wake him up from his nightmare.

 

“Jim, c’mon. Come back to me, okay? Listen to my voice.” He continues, murmuring reassurances of safety and love and reminders that the nightmares he is having are only remnants of his past and nothing more.

 

All at once, Jim quits struggling to break free of Leonard’s grip on his wrists. He stops crying out. And finally, the bewildered, frightened eyes of a man abruptly torn from a nightmarish sleep snap open and meet Leonard’s.

 

“You back with me, darlin’?” Leonard gently asks. Not seeming to trust his voice, Jim nods. He clears his throat, blinking and rubbing his eyes as he leans back on the couch. Stretching his hand out, he helps Leonard up to sit beside him. His eyes dart around as he takes in his surroundings. Leonard watches him quietly as he takes stock of everything, trying to determine what the time is, how long he’s been out, and when he fell asleep to begin with…

 

And then his eyes widen as he stares up at Bones. He looks horrified. “Oh my God. Shit, Bones, you’re bleeding!”

 

Leonard suddenly becomes aware of the sharp, stinging pain in his nose and behind his eyes and the tickling feeling of something warm on his upper lip. He reaches up, dabs the spot with the pad of his fingers, and holds it out to inspect. And yup, he’s bleeding alright. “Ah, shit,” he mutters distantly, not really phased by it. He’s a doctor and he’s had one once or twice before. It’s no big deal.

 

But Jim has both seen and had his fair share of bloody noses. Hell, he stumbled into Starfleet Academy with the stains of it still on his damn shirt. This shouldn’t phase him, either, except…

 

“Did I do that?” Jim asks, pale and distressed. He looks close to crying he’s so visibly shaken to learn of the injury he caused Bones.

 

“You were having a pretty awful nightmare. I didn’t realize you were gonna be so physical,” Leonard reluctantly admits.

 

“Oh my God, Bones. I’m  _ so  _ sorry!” he says, leaning forward as if to inspect the injury. “Here, lemme--” he gets up, disappears down the hall to the bathroom, and returns a moment later with a washcloth. Wrapping a hand around the back of Leonard’s head, Jim leans forward and presses the cloth to his face. “Lean forward,” he instructs gently. Leonard knows what to do, being a doctor and all, but he lets Jim fuss over him so he can feel in control. It’ll help with his guilt, too.

 

“Ib’s okay, Jimb,” Leonard mumbles clumsily through the cloth. When he looks up at Jim, he still sees a great deal of guilt, however. “Really, domb’t worry ‘bout ib. Ib’s jus’ a nose bleed. I’ll be bine.”

 

Jim’s eyes are fixed on his hands in his lap. He says nothing.

 

Leonard lowers the blood-stained cloth. “Don’t you dare keep feelin’ guilty ‘bout this,” he sternly tells him, pointing a finger. It probably isn’t as effective given his other hand is holding a bloody rag and his face is smeared with blood.

 

Glancing up, Jim opens his mouth to retort and Leonard shakes his head, jabbing his finger at him again. “Stop it. You didn’t have control over your body, you were stuck in a nightmare, Jim. And I’m really fine, aside from a little bleeding.

 

“A little, Bones?”

 

“Shut up. Point is I’m  _ fine _ , so quit your worryin’ already.”

 

Slowly, Jim nods, and a silence passes between them. Leonard presses the cloth back to his nose.

 

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Jim’s small and shaky voice, nothing like what it normally sounds like, breaks the quiet.

 

Leonard lowers the rag. “I know, but your body clearly wanted some rest.”

 

“Yeah, well, that right there was the whole reason why I didn’t want to,” Jim says, gesturing to Leonard’s nose.

 

He shrugs. “Yeah, but I imagine this ain’t the first time you had those kinds of nightmares nor the first time you tried to avoid ‘em by not sleepin’. You can’t keep doin’ that. There’s gotta be another way.”

 

Jim looks up at him, eyes wide and scared. Instead of bright baby blues that one might lose themselves within, Leonard sees dark, turbulent waves threatening to swallow Jim up in their depths. Leonard’s heart aches at the sight. “Don’t make me go back to sleep, Bones.  _ Please _ , don’t make me go back to sleep.” It breaks at the sound of Jim absolutely  _ pleading  _ with him not to make him go back to sleep, but instead to do anything to help him stay awake.

 

“Jim, I--” As a doctor, he wants to get Jim back to sleep because he knows Jim needs it. Leonard McCoy M.D. knows that patient James T. Kirk will eventually fall back asleep once more once his tired body and mind run out of energy and shut down to recharge again. But for now, as a boyfriend, Leonard “Bones” McCoy just wants to do whatever Jim wants. If Jim wants to stay awake, he’ll let him stay awake for now. And, he reasons, Jim will probably fall back asleep on his own soon enough.

 

Jim gazes up at him fiercely with that pleading look on his face.

 

“Okay,” Leonard says with a nod. “Okay, we’ll try it your way. I won’t make you go back to sleep. We’ll put on another movie or play a game or something…”

 

“Scrabble,” Jim says without missing a beat.

 

“What?”

 

“Scrabble, Bones! How about Scrabble?”

 

“That real old Earth word game?” Leonard’s brow goes skyward.

 

“Yeah! You’ve played before, right?”

 

“‘Course I played before. My grandpa made us play sometimes when I was little. Haven’t played in ages, though.”

 

“Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you,” Jim counters with a cheeky little grin.

 

Leonard rolls his eyes, but secretly he lets out a sigh of relief, glad to see the old Jim he knows and loves returning slowly. 

 

As Jim runs off to find his PADD with a 3D version or hell, perhaps the actual old board game version, Leonard figures he’ll go back to where he last remembers Jim being awake during  _ Jurassic Park _ and queues up the holovid so it’s ready when Jim returns.

 

Jim returns as he’s setting up a kettle to brew some tea with a wad of tissues stuck up his nose, immediately noting the old-fashioned method Leonard’s using to make said tea. “A kettle, Bones? Really? You know we have a processor right here that’ll make two cups in seconds, right? Much quickier, much easier.  _ Especially  _ with a bloody nose.”

 

“That tea ain’t as good as the fresh, homemade kind, Jim. You know that! And don’t you fret, darlin’, I’m gettin’ on just fine.”

 

Jim comes into the kitchen and helps him to finish setting up the tea. With little else to do, he leans back against the counter right beside Leonard, propping his elbows up behind him. “I found an old version of the gay that my great-grandfather handed down to me. Actual boardgame, not holographic!” he tells him excitedly. “Guy didn’t have anything against technology, but some things are just better in the physical form and not the holographic form. Like books or records or--”

 

“Or board games?” Leonard finishes for him. 

 

Jim nods.

 

“I can understand that.” He feels the same way. When they’re holographic, books just don’t have the same effect or feeling as the real, physical copy. Perhaps it’s because he works with his hands so much and values the touch and feel of instruments, limbs, medicines, equipment, and so on. Whatever it is, Leonard also prefers to run his fingers across the words, flip the pages with his own hands, see the folds in worn out books and the creases in the spine from usage. He knows Jim’s much the same way, too, and guesses this was one of his great-grandfather’s proclivities that rubbed off on him.

 

“Old fart,” Jim teases.

 

“Old--?!” Leonard exclaims, offended. “You’re the same damn way, you little shit! You even have certain textbooks that are in book form and carried around campus, not on your PADD! Don’t gimme that hogwash.” He moves to swat at Jim, but the man’s too quick and he deftly dodges Leonard’s hand, laughing loudly. He runs off and flings himself on the couch with the board game in hand. Leonard hears the little wooden pieces being tossed around on the coffee table as Jim sets it up.

 

“True, Bones, but I’m  _ your  _ little shit,” he says from his seat on the couch. “And because you called me out like that, I’m giving  _ you _ the shittiest letters.”

 

“That’s not how it works, ya’ jackass!” Leonard hollers back.

 

“It is now! Try making words with nothing but vowels, Bones!”

 

With an over-dramatic sigh and a roll of his eyes, Leonard says nothing and proceeds to get a pair of cups out of the cupboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everybody liked the Jurassic Park references. My personal headcanon is that Jim is VERY old school. If he's interested in the Beastie Boys, I bet he's interested in the 90s in general.
> 
> Anyways, as usual, make sure you comment, kudo, and subscribe! Thanks, guys!


	8. Moving Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter comes a little sooner than usual (or moreso on freaking TIME for once. Look at me go!), however it is a tad shorter than usual. Kinda evens out with the last chapter being longer than most. It's shorter this time because I have the story divided up into sections on Google docs because this thing is friggin' massive, and some of them are a little hard to section up together to make a good length for a chapter without getting too long with the next section, ya know?
> 
> Anyways, here we are!
> 
> Title from the song "Moving Forward" by Colony House.

_Fuck_ , Leonard’s sleep-addled brain hisses as he slowly opens his eyes, blinking as they adjust to the light streaming through the window. The aching muscles and stiffness in his limbs that comes from sleeping at an odd angle on a not-so-comfy dorm couch are of little thought to Leonard now as he searches out Jim. He’s not on the couch, asleep like Leonard hoped he would be.

 

Trying to keep his calm, he flips open his communicator to call him because he really _does not_ want Jim out on his own right now. First thing he sees when he opens it, however, is a goddamn _post-it note_ \--of all things!--stuck to the screen instructing him to listen to his messages.

 

Still feeling like a cat on a tin roof at high noon, Leonard does as instructed and finds that Jim has, in fact, left him a voice message.

 

_“Hey, Bones, since I know you were already worrying the moment you woke up to find me not there, let me promise you right now that you don’t need to worry--”_

 

“Oh, yeah, that’s a _real_ comfort comin’ from you, kid,” Leonard mutters to himself as Jim continues.

 

_“--I’m not going to do anything stupid. I just...I dunno. I couldn’t fall back asleep even after you dozed off and I swear, Bones, I tried but I couldn’t. So I tried to get my mind off of things by doing some classwork and stuff, but when morning came around I was still feeling pretty restless so I decided to go for a run. I’ll be back soon. I’m thinking I’ll stop by that coffee shop you like on the way back and get us some coffee and bagels. Love you, babe.”_

 

As he listens to the message Jim’s left for him, Leonard’s anxiety slowly diminishes. Yet there’s a subdued and distracted tone to Jim’s message that leaves just a niggling remnant of that concern from before. He knows it’s because Jim’s probably still in quite a state after yesterday, but Leonard’s prone to worry. Not just about Jim, although it is Jim in particular. Even when he was young, his ma would say he could worry the horns off a goat.

 

Looking at the time stamp on Jim’s message, he frowns as he sees it was left three hours ago. There’s no way it would take Jim this long for a run, a trip to the coffee shop, and the journey back. Not to mention, they’ve got classes starting soon and he doubts Jim will let himself miss out on class even if Leonard advised he take the day for himself.

 

Which leaves him to wonder what else might’ve happened. If perhaps he was triggered by something while he was out and wound up reverting back to the dark mood he was in yesterday.

 

Feeling the worry welling back up again, Leonard decides to call Jim up and see what’s going on. He promises himself not to really start worrying unless he doesn’t get a response.

 

Thankfully, his call is answered almost immediately and when Jim’s voice fills his ears, Leonard absolutely does _not_ let out a sigh of relief.

 

“Bones? You got my message, right? You’re not freaking out, are you? ‘Cause you shouldn’t be. I left you that message on your comm--”

 

“Yeah, I got the message, but it’s been a few hours and--”

 

“Wait, a few hours?” Jim pauses, probably taking a look at what time it is since he seems to have lost track of it. “Shit. I had no idea it’d been that long, Bones. I’m sorry. No wonder you called.” He sounds truly apologetic, almost to the point of sounding ashamed of himself.

 

He softens his voice, trying to project a sense of calm and understanding. “Hey, it’s alright, I’m just glad you haven’t gone and done anythin’ stupid,” Leonard says. “But speaking of doing stupid things, what held you up so long? You promised me some fresh coffee and bagels and I’m kinda expectin’ ya to put out now, sugar. Should I expect you back before I gotta leave for class?”

 

“Best not deprive the man of his coffee, cadet. I know Dr. McCoy there well enough to know not to stand between that man and his coffee.”

 

“Is that Captain Pike?” Leonard cuts in, surprised to hear the familiar voice on the other end of the line, a hint of amusement in his voice.

 

“Oh yeah, that’s Pike. Yeah,” Jim intelligently replies. Leonard only feels his cheeks redden at the realization that he just made a sex joke and called Jim ‘sugar’ in front of one of their commanding officers. Potentially the man they’ll be serving under in a year if Jim actually completes his crazyass three year plan and Leonard can get over his crippling fear of space and tin cans.

 

“G’morning, Dr. McCoy,” Pike pleasantly replies, as if Leonard’s response to Jim never took place.

 

“Captain Pike,” Leonard dutily replies in turn. “Jim,” he says, addressing his boyfriend now, “What are you doing with Captain Pike?”

 

“I uh...I called him, actually,” Jim says. Leonard can only imagine the sort of strength it took for Jim to actually search out a confidant like that given how stubborn the man can be. Later on, when he’s not in such an emotionally delicate stage where he might be easily frightened back into his hard shell, Leonard might even tell him he’s proud of him for taking such a step.

 

“He asked me to meet him for coffee and a chat,” Pike adds. “We’re planning on leaving shortly. I’ll have Jim drop by with your breakfast and coffee, cause I’m betting you need it more than usual after the day you both had yesterday. I’ve given him the day off, by the way. I expect him to spend at least part of it back at my office with me. We’ve got some things to talk about.”

 

“Sounds good to me. Thank you, Captain.”

 

“Looking after this one is no one man job, doctor.”

 

Leonard laughs. “No, no I suppose it’s not.” He hopes Jim is beginning to see that Leonard loves him and wants to look out for him, but that he’s not the only one who feels that way.

 

“By the way, Jim told me about your class today and he’s got all the boxes checked off so he can skip the class without repercussions. I have one drafted for you, as well, should you want it. Just send me a message any time before your class, if you change your mind, and I’ll be sure to send it Captain Kunal’s way.”

 

Leonard blinks in surprise. “I don’t--I wasn’t planning on--Sir, that’s--”

 

“I think what he’s trying to say is, ‘thank you,’ sir,” Jim says, voice warm with amusement at Leonard’s expense, “For such a thoughtful and helpful gesture.” It earns a laugh from Pike.

 

Leonard’s still having a bit of trouble processing this, however. “But I wasn’t on--I mean, I’m not--”

 

“ _Cadet,_ ” Pike cuts in, and the change in address makes Leonard stop sputtering and snap to attention. It’s without menace, but the tone does clearly call for attention. “Kirk gave me a summary of what you did for him and what you two have more or less been up to the past 24 or so hours. He was the one who suggested I get you excused. Now I’m not one to advocate playing hookie, of course, but I think this once you’ve learned more than enough about _That_ to find the class to simply be an emotionally exhausting and a pointless drain of energy academically. No need to be there for it.”

 

“I--uh, thank you, sir,” Leonard finally manages after all that, still stunned. “Much obliged.”

 

“You’re welcome,” Pike humbly replies. “Now I think it’s time I get Kirk back to you. I leave him in your capable hands, Dr. McCoy. Take care.”

 

“Thank you. You as well, sir,” Leonard answers.

 

“See ya soon, babe,” Jim says, and then he ends the transmission.

 

When he returns to their dorm not long after that conversation, he comes with a fresh, warm bagel and a hot cup of coffee as promised. Leonard inhales deeply, humming delightedly as he smells the strong scent of freshly ground coffee beans.

 

Jim laughs. “God I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man so in love with coffee.”

 

“Shut up,” Leonard mutters as he takes a sip. “Lord, that hits the spot.”

 

Jim’s laughter hitches up another notch in volume. And then he sobers and looks at Leonard with wide, serious eyes. He smiles softly and, quite earnestly says, “You deserve it after what you did for me yesterday.”

 

Leonard lowers his cup. “Darlin’, you don’t ever need to thank me. I’d do anything for you.”

 

“Love you, too, Bones,” Jim tenderly replies, leaning forward, wrapping an arm around his waist, and giving him a quick kiss. Leonard smiles into it.

 

And when they reluctantly pull away, Leonard sighs and looks at the time on his watch. “Best be headin’ out, then.”

 

“Lemme walk you to class,” Jim offers.

 

“If you insist,” he playfully answers.

 

“I do.” And with that they head off across campus, Leonard sipping his coffee and contentedly devouring his bagel.

 

But as they walk past the other dorms and across the quad, Leonard is bothered by the fact that he’s still keeping his communications with Winona from Jim. Not intentionally, of course. The time just hasn’t seemed right but...but now Jim has the day off and Leonard can’t help but think that maybe this is the perfect time to tell him. To try to get Jim to reach out.

 

“Hey, Jim?” Leonard says as they continue their brisk pace across campus.

 

“Yeah, Bones?” Jim absently responds.

 

Leonard stops and turns to face him. “I, uh...There’s something I think you oughta know.”

 

Jim’s brow crinkles in concern.

 

“Jim, I...a few days ago, I got a call from someone who was pretty concerned about you. Asked me to keep an eye on you and make sure you were alright as the Anniversary approached.” As he continues, he sees Jim’s eyes widen in disbelief. He can see the emotions traveling across his face; the incredulity, the anger, the fear, the guilt, the hurt...But Winona seems to genuinely care and want to help, and Leonard can’t help but hope to mend the broken bond between mother and son. “Your mom’s worried about you, Jim,” he says softly. “She just wanted to check in and make sure you’re alright.”

 

Jim takes a few deep breaths. Leonard knows Jim well enough to be able to spot the way the emotions flit across his eyes and face as he wrestles to keep himself composed and to ground himself. Leonard imagines it’s similar to how he feels when he has to talk to Jocelyn.

 

“I didn’t know when to tell you... _If_ I should tell you…”

 

“Thanks for letting me know, Bones. I’ll see you after your classes,” Jim quickly replies, and Leonard swears to himself because this is Flighty Jim. He’s already withdrawing from the conversation and preparing to flee.

 

“Jim, wait--” He reaches out to stop him, but he realizes one hand has the brown bag with his bagel and the other has his coffee. “Dammit!” He hisses, and hastily switches the bag so he’s holding it with his pinkie finger against his coffee cup. He tries again, but Jim wriggles out of his grasp and splits before Leonard can stop him again. Leonard sighs. Standing there, he watches Jim disappear into the sea of red uniforms. Slowly, he turns around and heads to class, silently cursing himself for setting Jim off like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, pretty pretty please kudo, comment, subscribe, bookmark--show me you love me! Or rather, that you love the story. Please and thank you! Your comments make me smile so much, by the way. I love reading them and knowing my work is paying off and being enjoyed! Thank you so much everyone!
> 
> Next chapter, we'll see Gaila and the dreaded class that started it all...


	9. Cast Iron Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting sooner, y'all, the holidays were keeping me busy!
> 
> Hope everyone is enjoying their holidays, and Happy New Year in advance, everyone!
> 
> Title from the song "California (Cast Iron Soul)" by Jamestown Revival. I already thought this song fit really well with this part of the story, but then I looked up the lyrics and found out that the song refers to a cast iron skillet, which makes food taste better the more you use it. Just like a cast iron skillet, the band says, "the more you experience in life, the more you can truly appreciate life. It’s our humble opinion that life experience is the spice of life itself.” And I really liked that quote and thought it fit really well with Jim and Bones at this stage in the story, too.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Gaila, of course. Who deserved better cause she's an AWESOME chick and I love her.

Leonard is distant and more brooding than usual during his morning classes. He sends a message to Jim as soon as he gets inside the building and takes a seat. It’s a pathetic apology; one he shouldn’t need to make if only he’d been less stupid. He thought he’d feel better about confessing to his contact with Winona, but now…Now he’s worried he’s set Jim off again and he feels more guilty than ever. The more he thinks about it, the more guilty he feels. As time stretches on and he checks his comm incessantly for a response to no avail, the worse the feeling becomes. He can’t focus on anything...he might as well have just stayed home.

 

Lunch is normally when he meets up with Jim before they go to their shared course with Captain Kunal, but of course Jim isn’t at lunch today. Even if he was, he probably wouldn’t be sitting with Leonard. So instead Leonard throws together a sandwich, tosses some fruit into a biodegradable to-go cup, and stalks right back out of the cafeteria. He swipes up a coffee on his way out before making his way off somewhere quieter and less populated to eat and wallow in his mistakes.

 

The lecture hall he and Jim have their class in is just as filled as usual. It seems that while most people hate to hear the word Tarsus, the students in his class have a grim interest in the subject. The topic has deterred almost no one from attending today’s class, and instead the students sit with their PADDs out as they whisper to each other in low voices. He catches snippets as he makes his way up the steps to his usual seat. Thankfully, most of the conversations he overhears are strategic theories and debates rather than distasteful gossip. There are conversations about travel time from a starbase to Tarsus, about Klingons that interfered with a relief vessel, and about emergency supplies on remote colonies. 

 

He hears one student mention that the colony was self-sufficient, growing its own crops and without a history of major crop failures or viruses in the plants or soil. Therefore there were no emergency supplies to hold the population over, but “I think all colonies should have a certain number of days or weeks worth of supplies in case some freak accident like the one on Tarsus happens. That way they have a certain amount of time before their remaining crop  _ and  _ the emergency supplies run out while they’re waiting for relief ships. The more remote they are, the better it will be to have food stored away to ration out while waiting so nothing like Tarsus happens again.”

 

Another cadet beside them nods. “I like that idea, yeah. That’d make a hell of a lot of sense!”

 

Leonard agrees it’s not a bad idea and he gets how it could potentially save lives. All he can think about, however, are the lives that were lost--Jim’s family, his friends, half an entire population--and the fact that this never should’ve happened at all.

 

“That wouldn’t have mattered on Tarsus anyway, Nate. Kodos probably would’ve burned the rations or just given them to the same four thousand people regardless. We’d still wind up with four thousand dead and four thousand hand-picked colonists alive but still starved. Just not as much. In other situations, yeah, that would’ve worked. But I think no matter the circumstances, Kodos would’ve seized power some way or another and applied his batshit crazy Eugenics theories, anyway.”

 

“Damn, Zahra.”

 

God, perhaps he  _ should’ve _ taken Pike up on his offer to excuse him from class today. He knows far too much about Tarsus than he ever cared to. Pike was right, there’s nothing he can gain from this class.

 

He wonders if it’s too late to retreat, but if he does so now then he might draw more attention to himself than he wants. He’s tough. He can get through this. For Jim.

 

So he takes his seat, acutely aware of the absence of Jim next to him. As he waits for class to start, Leonard makes an effort to tune out the conversations happening around him. Bending down, Leonard takes his PADD out of his bag with the intention of opening up some other homework assignment or text. Instead, he winds up staring at the blank screen until a voice off to his right calls out his name. 

 

“Lenny!” The feminine voice calls out again. He looks up to see Gaila, one of Jim’s friends (and old partners), smiling and waving at him. 

 

“Hey, Gaila,” he says, pointedly ignoring the way she addresses him. He used to despise it, grumbling at her not to call him that, but it’s kinda grown on him. And besides, Jim has pointed out to him that making a fuss over those sorts of things only encourages people like Gaila.

 

_ “Bullying 101, Bones. Don’t let them get a rise out of you and they won’t do it anymore. They only do that shit because they enjoy watching you get upset. Don’t get upset, and they’ll stop. Simple as that.” _

 

Gaila’s a pretty great gal, anyway, the awful nickname aside. She’s intelligent, outgoing, friendly...although she’s somewhat of an acquired taste, so to speak. She’s got a fierce and vibrant personality, but she’s an alien who is still learning some of Earth’s social customs. She can come off a little strong and, not everyone is willing to be patient with her or open-minded about cultural differences, despite how intuitive and quick of a learner Gaila can be. 

 

He remembers her telling him once that her intuition is mostly due to her ability to sense hormonal changes - a trait she shares with all other Orion women. And as much as she dislikes her duplicitous and aggressive culture, she’s really taken her biological abilities in stride and used them to help her understand Terrans better in a shorter span of time than most aliens are able to in years. She’s flourishing here in this foreign environment, and Leonard rather covets her ability to adapt so quickly and successfully.

 

He guesses it’s those very same heightened senses that are leading her over to him now, although Leonard never even realized before that she was in the same class as Jim and him. How he missed a flaming red-haired girl with emerald green skin, he doesn’t know.

 

“Gaila! I didn’t realize you were in this class?”

 

Gaila shrugs her bag back up her shoulder. “I’ve been here the whole time, silly! I’ve been sitting back over there, though,” she says, nodding toward the left back corner of the room behind him, “and you’re usually too busy either ogling Jim or arguing with him,” she adds with a giggle.

 

Leonard opens his mouth and shuts it several times, flabbergasted but unable to come up with a retort.

 

“It’s okay, Jim’s pretty distracting,” she replies with a knowing grin and a playful wink. Leonard feels his cheeks warm.  _ Dammit. _

 

“So what brings you to my side of the lecture hall today?”

 

“Your pheromones are  _ all _ over the place today, Lenny. What’s going on? And where’s Jim?”

 

Leonard gestures for her to sit down in Jim’s usual seat. Gaila lifts an eyebrow and he gives her a look that tells her he’ll explain in just a moment. “I said something to Jim before class that...upset him quite a bit, I think. Captain Pike wanted to see him, so he’s not coming today.”

 

“Oh no! Lenny, I’m so sorry. What were you fighting about?”

 

“I...I’d rather not discuss it,” Leonard quietly responds. He feels bad not being totally honest with her when he feels like she’s never been anything but honest with him and Jim, but it’s a  _ long  _ story that he does  _ not  _ feel like getting into right now.

 

Gaila shrugs. “Sure thing, hon,” she says, with nothing but compassion and understanding in her voice. It teases a small smile out of him despite his terrible mood and the horrible subject they’re about to discuss in depth in class today. Gaila has that sort of effect on people.

 

“Thanks, Gaila,” he says as the instructor enters the room. 

 

“As Terrans say, ‘that’s what friends are for.’” She reaches over and gives his hand a light squeeze before she sits back in her seat and assembling her PADDs so she’s ready to start class. Leonard reluctantly opens his own PADD and sits back in his seat, preparing himself.

 

Ten minutes in and Leonard regrets ever coming to class today. Though he normally has fairly good posture, Leonard finds himself sinking into his seat, head low as he stares intently at his PADD which displays a text not on Tarsus, but on Betazoid mental and emotional health practices. It’s a fascinating read, but a very tough one to do when the students around you are engrossed in a discussion about the provisioning of Federation outposts and bases. 

 

“--doesn’t make a difference if some freak fungus attacks all of the crops and taints the soil so that you can’t even grow extra crops!” one student is saying.

 

“And not to mention the logistics of providing enough emergency provisions to colonies of thousands to last them at least two weeks, or however many weeks it is for the nearest relief ship to theoretically arrive,” another student, a Tellarite, adds.

 

“Even with the methods we have of preserving and distributing food, it would be tough to accomplish,” the first student says in agreement.

 

“The Federation has a staggering amount of resources and allies who would be willing to provide that amount of food,” a third student says, jumping into the conversation.

 

“Are you sure? Because that food might just sit around for years anyway. Freak funguses aren’t exactly common,” the second student who had spoke earlier shoots back.

 

“Yeah, only once in Federation history,” the first student replies with a scoff.

 

Leonard grits his teeth and clenches his fist. Those cocky sons of bitches--

 

His PADD lights up, indicating an incoming message. Leonard raises an eyebrow and opens the message to find that it’s from Gaila.

 

 ** _Gaila_** _1:17:25 PM: Are you okay? You seem very upset about this conversation._

 

Leonard looks up at her and receives a concerned look from her, but he gives her the most reassuring grin he can manage. “I’m alright, but thanks for the concern, darlin’.” She gives him a nod in response and then looks back up to the front of the lecture hall where the debate is happening.

 

“--let alone the  _ cost  _ of producing and distributing those supplies!” the first student is saying.

 

Leonard snaps. Before he knows it, he’s out of his seat and standing with fists clenched. “Who gives a  _ damn  _ about the cost of  _ any _ of that horse shit when simply providing those supplies by any means necessary would mean saving  _ thousands?!  _ Are you saying you care more about the financial  _ convenience  _ of providing colonies with a safety net than the actual  _ saving  _ of lives in case that safety net needs to be applied?”

 

He can see every set of eyes in the room turn on him. The instructor looks both impressed and appalled, and it’s only then that Leonard realizes he’s interrupted a fellow cadet and cursed in front of the entire class and their instructor. Not exactly proper Starfleet etiquette. 

 

Everyone is silent for a long and agonizing moment.Three of the cadets from the debate are shuffling their feet and avoiding eye contact with him. The other is simply staring at Leonard, looking like he wants to retort but not quite sure what to say.

 

Alas, the instructor clears his throat, grabbing everyone’s attention and turning the dozens of eyes away from Leonard to his immense relief. “Cadet McCoy makes a very good point, everyone. While you do have to keep in mind that there are financial and logistic concerns to consider, your first and foremost concern in any kind of crisis is to save lives. Damn the costs, damn the logistics. Simply focus on the people in danger and helping them. Now, about the relief we sent in response to the Tarsus colony’s request for aid. What do we know?”

 

Slowly, Leonard sits himself back down, sinking further into his seat than before. A few people glance back at him, still stunned that a man they’d never even heard talk before had stood up and spoken so strongly against a classmate. Gaila is staring at him, too, but more so out of concern than shock. 

 

The class falls back into its usual rhythm, the instructor asking questions and students raising their hands and answering. Their instructor works them toward his next topic of debate: the delay of the relief ship, the _USS_ _Enterprise._

 

“As we know, one relief ship, the  _ Enterprise,  _ was sent to respond to the crisis on Tarsus. It was closest to the colony and a large constitution class ship with a crew that could adequately respond to the crisis we  _ thought  _ we were responding to. It had more than enough capacity for the supplies we  _ thought  _ we needed for the disaster.

 

“Of course, things had changed on the colony since the  _ Enterprise  _ set out for the Tarsus colony, and the  _ Enterprise _ wound up being delayed by a Klingon attack. Now, after reading the transcripts of the captain’s log and other ship’s data, what are your thoughts? Could Captain April have done anything to speed up his response to Tarsus? Do you think sending the Enterprise alone was an appropriate and sufficient response?”

 

Leonard tunes the rest of this out, telling himself to keep his mouth firmly shut from here on out soas not to draw anymore attention to himself. 

 

He manages to tune everyone out well enough for a while, but then the class gets to the topic of the Tarsus 9, the hospital where the boy -- _ Jim. It was Jim,  _ he grimly reminds himself-- was caught stealing supplies, and how that very same boy was left to die. Left on display for all to see and used as a deterrent to ensure no one tried to rise up again.

 

Leonard feels bile rising in his throat listening to the class talk about this boy. About  _ Jim.  _ He’s the only one in this class who knows that that boy was Jim.

 

His eyes dart between the door and the clock, wondering if he can make it to the end of the period or if he will have to draw attention to himself by getting up and leaving the lecture hall. 

 

Just then his PADD light up with another message from Gaila.

 

**_Gaila_ ** _ 1:39:10 PM: What’s on your other PADD there? Definitely not the Tarsus readings. _

 

Leonard looks over at her, brow raised. Gaila merely looks back down at her PADD and starts typing.

 

**_Gaila_ ** _ 1:39:52 PM: Is that a reading for another class? What’s it about? _

 

Leonard looks up again and she nods encouragingly, glancing down at her PADD expectantly. He blinks, confused, before he finally looks back down at his own PADD and types out a response.

 

**_Leonard McCoy_ ** _ 1:40:14 PM: A reading for Xenobiology about Betazoid medical practices, in particular those pertaining to mental and emotional health.  _

 

**_Gaila_ ** _ 1:40:45 PM: Sounds interesting. How different are their practices from Terran ones? _

 

Leonard’s brows crease in confusion. Why the sudden interest? Why is she not paying attention to the lecture? When he lifts his eyes to give her the ‘what gives?’ look, he finds her already looking at him rolling her eyes. Leonard stares.

 

Looking exasperated, Gaila gestures down to her PADD and then makes a typing motion in the air, not on the PADD itself. This, of course, only further confuses him. This time, Gaila makes a barely audible sound of annoyance. She gestures again, more vehemently this time, at the PADD before making another motion that has somehow universally come to mean ‘get on with it’ or ‘hurry up’.

 

With a dramatic sigh and another incredible roll of the eyes, Gaila picks up her PADD and rapidly types out a message that Leonard receives seconds later.

 

**_Gaila_ ** _ 1:42:20 PM: I’m trying to distract you, you idiot!  _

 

For a moment Leonard doesn’t know what she means. Then it hits him, and he has to resist the urge not to smack his head against the desk for not realizing it sooner. He stares at the screen, dazed for a moment as realization sinks in.

 

Finally, Leonard looks up from the message displayed on his screen and smiles, warmth blossoming in his chest. “Thank you, darlin’,” he murmurs, careful not to be too loud and draw attention to the pair of them.

 

Gaila responds with a glowing and radiant smile. “What are friends for?”

 

Leonard makes a note to himself to pay her back somehow for this later. For the rest of the class, however, he and Gaila send messages back and forth to each other talking about his Xenobiology reading, their other classes...stupid things Jim has done. Gaila even shares a few fascinating details that she knows about Orion medicine. It’s not much since she didn’t live on the planet past the age of sixteen when her mother decided to leave the homeworld to live on a trading cruiser, but it’s more than Leonard knew before and he revels in the newfound knowledge.

 

Class ends with the instructor thanking them for their participation and their conduct during a difficult and contentious discussion. He gives an overview of the next reading assignment, reminds them of an upcoming writing assignment, and advises them all to attend the memorial services and events this weekend. “It may be a good opportunity to find closure and peace if you’re still feeling unsettled about what we talked about today. It’s also a good way to reflect upon the effects the tragedy still has today, ten years later. And most importantly, it’s a way to show the universe and ourselves that we have not forgotten what happened and that we are dedicated to preventing another calamity like it from happening again. Thank you, cadets. Dismissed.”

 

Leonard can’t get out of his seat fast enough. His things already packed away in his bag, he slings the strap over his shoulder and eagerly slides out of his seat and begins the descent down the stairs toward the door. Gaila is right behind him.

 

“Damn, McCoy,” one cadet says as she passes by them in the hallway. “You weren’t pulling any punches, today!” she says with a laugh before disappearing into the crowd of students ahead of them. Leonard scowls after her, wishing his eyes actually had the ability to burn holes in clothing.

 

Another student in their class comes up alongside them, clutching a small stack of PADDs. “Shit, McCoy,” he says, voice low and conspiratorial. “You lose somebody up there ten years ago?” 

 

Leonard’s head snaps in his direction and he gives him his most menacing, frightening glare. “None of your goddamn business,” he growls.

 

The cadet’s face goes ash white, his eyes wide. “Sorry,” he stutters, before he races past them.

 

“Who would think it would be okay to ask such a thing?” Gaila asks incredulously as she watches the girl beat a hasty retreat.

 

“Fuckin’ morons, that’s who,” Leonard sourly replies.

 

Gaila merely nods. They’re silent the rest of the way out of the building and they receive no other jeers or comments as they do. When they make it outside, the sun blindingly bright and the weather almost traitorously beautiful, Leonard thanks Gaila again for the much needed distraction.

 

“I’m glad to have been of service,” Gaila says sweetly, pulling him into an embrace. Leonard squirms, but ultimately reciprocates the gesture. 

 

“Tell Nyota I said hello, by the way,” he says as they part ways.

 

“Of course!” Gaila cheerfully replies. “Jim still doesn’t know her first name, right?”

 

“‘Course not, darlin’. I’m a man o’ my word.” He marks an ‘X’ over his chest where his heart is. Gaila looks confused by the meaning of the gesture and it makes him chuckle.

 

“Good!”

 

“Bye, Gaila.”

 

“See you later, Lenny!” With a wave, she turns away and disappears in the sea of red uniforms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only a couple more chapters left, guys! I hope you enjoyed this one very much!
> 
> Next chapter, Bones meets back up with Jim and they reconcile. Yay!
> 
> As always, please leave kudos, subscribe, bookmark the story, and most especially leave comments! I LOVE the comments!


	10. Until the Blurry-Eyed Worry's Gone By

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I thought I had two chapters but I combined them into one cause separately they weren't quite long enough. 
> 
> So, a tad unexpectedly, we have the final chapter at last! I'm sorry it took a little while. The holidays and some illnesses and some last minute editing got me a bit behind. 
> 
> Well, I'm terribly sorry for having some rather erratic chapter publishing patterns, but thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all of you who kept reading, bookmarking, commenting, giving kudos, and subscribing! I couldn't have completed this without your encouragement and support and I'm so overwhelmed by the response! I was so nervous when I originally posted this, and it's by far my largest work in a very, VERY long time, if not EVER. So thank you for being a part of that!
> 
> And without any further adieu, here's the very last chapter of Back From the Edge! What a trip it's been!

As he walks through the doors to their dorm building, Leonard takes a deep breath and prepares himself to face Jim. He can’t help but check the messages on his comm one more time as he takes the lift to their floor, wondering if Jim ever responded to the message he sent about eight hours earlier during his first class.

 

He still can’t believe he had blurted it all out to Jim right before classes. Right before he had to leave him alone for the next several hours and not be able to explain himself!

 

As he steps off the lift and heads down the hall toward their room, Leonard hopes that he can deal with the fallout. He prays that Jim won’t absolutely hate him for being in cahoots with his mom all this time. Or worse, that Jim shuts down again and loses all the progress he’s made these past forty-eight hours or so.

 

Leonard takes a deep breath and types in his code into the panel to the left of their door. As the door opens and he steps inside, the sound of classic Earth rock music assaults his ears.

 

_ Oh boy,  _ he thinks to himself, knowing what this means. Jim usually only blasts his old Earth tunes when he’s angry, and usually only when it involves his family. Leonard supposes it reminds him of his angry, rebellious years. Now that he knows the story about the cliff and the corvette, he’s more confident about that theory than ever.

 

Carefully he walks through the cramped little room they call a “living room” to their bedroom where he finds Jim sprawled out on the bed with a PADD in his hands. Leonard figures he’s doing homework to get his mind off of things. 

 

“Hey, Bones,” Jim casually says, not looking up from his PADD.

 

Leonard blinks, confused. “‘Hey, Bones?’” 

 

Jim looks up, looking almost as confused as Leonard is. And then he realizes that Leonard thinks Jim’s mad at him. “Oh,” he says, putting down the PADD and sitting up, “I’m sorry, Bones.” Leonard raises a brow expectantly. “I wasn’t mad at you earlier. Well, maybe a little bit, but mostly I was mad at my mom for...worming into my life like that.”

 

Leonard turns the desk chair around so the back is facing the bed, then seats himself in it backwards so he can fold his arms across the back. “She’s just trying to look out for you. To do what parents do: worry about their kids.”

 

“Yeah,” Jim says with a heavy sigh. “I just--our relationship is a little--”

 

“Strained, yeah. So I gathered.”

 

Jim closes his eyes and flops back onto the bed. “I ran from you ‘cause I didn’t know how to process that. I needed to think things through on my own. I’m sorry, Bones. You worried all day about me being mad at you and whether I’d do something stupid, didn’t you?” he says, raising his head to look up at him.

 

“You know me,” Leonard answers, abandoning the chair to come and sit beside him on the bed. As he does, the current song ends and an ancient 20th century song comes on--

 

“Fuck the police. Charming, Jim.”

 

Jim laughs and adjusts himself so he’s resting back on his elbows. “It’s a rap song from the 1980s that talks about the injustices done against African Americans by the police. Racial profiling, police brutality... It sounds profane, but when you really listen to it these guys are spitting some hard truths, Bones. That was some fucked up stuff.”

 

“Interesting,” Leonard says, nodding in consideration. He takes a moment to listen to the lyrics and Jim’s right. The vulgar sentiment towards the police makes sense now. “I can see how a younger you would identify with the messages about abuse of authority and all that.”

 

He nods. “I could rap this whole thing for you, but it really wouldn’t be fair to subject you to that,” Jim says with a note of humor.

 

“Looks like there is a God after all,” Leonard says, and then he turns his head up to the sky and folds his hands like he’s praying. “I’ve been spared. Thank you, Lord.”

 

“Asshole,” Jim grumbles, knocking his knee into Leonard’s side with as much force as he can muster from the angle he’s at. 

 

“That’s your title, not mine,” he teases as he falls back onto the bed and turns so he’s facing Jim. Wrapping an arm around Jim’s torso, Leonard pulls the other man in. “You’re lucky you’re pretty.”

 

“So people keep telling me.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Leonard plants a quick kiss on Jim’s lips before turning the conversation back towards the topic at hand. “So,” he begins carefully, “did you speak with your ma or were you just in here brooding the whole time?”

 

Jim sighs, gently turning himself so he’s lying flat on his back but still in Leonard’s grasp. He takes Leonard’s hand in his as he looks up at the ceiling. “I called. I yelled…I hung up because she didn’t even answer. I left a message.”

 

Leonard frowns. “Not exactly tactful, Jim.”

 

“I don’t aim for tact with my mom. I just go for bluntness. We don’t mince words with each other.”

 

“Yeah, I get that.” Their relationship operates in somewhat the same way. Leonard is appreciative of the open communication between Jim and himself and the fact that neither of them bother to dance around how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking. There are no mind games, no reading between the lines...just saying what they mean and meaning what they say.

 

“Bones, I get that she’s just trying to look out for me and be a good mom after all the shit we’ve gone through, but that was going too far.” Jim nudges Leonard’s arm away and then, abruptly, sits up and turns to look down at him. “She knows that that’s  _ my _ story to tell and no one else’s. She had no right to go behind my back like that and—!”

 

“Jim— _ Jim _ !” Leonard sits up now, too, and puts his hands on Jim’s shoulders as the younger man’s voice rises. He’s starting to work himself into a frenzy. Leonard can see him clenching his fists, curling the sheets into his palms to hide the fact that his hands are beginning to shake. Only when Jim pauses and looks at him does Leonard continue. “She didn’t tell me anything.”

 

Jim blinks. “What?” He stills beneath Leonard’s hands.

 

“She didn’t tell me anything. All she said when she called me was that she wanted me to keep an eye on you because this is a tough time of year for you.”

 

“That’s it? But then—“

 

“I didn’t get two degrees for bein’ good lookin’, Jim,” Leonard says with a smirk. “This noggin’ ain’t just full o’ hot air like a certain somebody’s is.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“My point is that Winona  _ didn’t _ tell your story. She didn’t tell me  _ why _ I needed to look out for you. She knew I cared about you and that I could be relied upon to make sure you didn’t do something stupid. Your ma may not be mom of the year or anythin’, but she knows you, Jim. She and I both know you do dumb shit when you’re mad or scared or hurt.”

 

“Oh,” Jim lamely replies, quiet and still beneath Leonard’s hands.

 

“Yeah,” Leonard says with a little laugh, smiling at how ridiculously smart and ridiculously dumb Jim Kirk can be sometimes.

 

“Then how did you…?”

 

“I pieced things together myself, genius.”

 

“Oh,” Jim intelligently responds yet again.

 

“Yeah. And when I pieced it together I merely verified it with Winona who, for the record, didn’t want to admit anything but couldn’t really deny anything, either. All she did was confirm my suspicions and tell me again that it’s your story to tell, not hers. She gave me a small bit of context, but that’s it. I promise you, Jim. She didn’t break your confidence in her.” 

 

He feels a need to defend Winona but also to reassure Jim. To let him know that after placing his trust in his mother she didn’t break it. To perhaps help mend the relationship between mother and son even if only a little. The both of them deserve to be happy and to have each other. Leonard’s own family has been at odds with each other ever since his father’s passing. They know what he did for his father… _ to _ his father. Not everyone agrees with what he did and even so, in many ways David McCoy was the string that held the family together. Without him, many members of the large McCoy clan went their own ways and were content not to be in contact with the greater whole. Jim’s family is so small, and right now it’s barely existent at all. At heart, Leonard is a family man, and so he feels the need to unite this broken family and make it whole again. Family, whether it’s biological or self-made, can only make you stronger. Jim needs to know he’s not alone. He needs that strength.

 

Jim heaves a deep breath and flops back on the bed once more. He looks up at the ceiling again, as if it has some wise words to offer him or an escape door hidden up there. His bright blue eyes are swirling with emotions, a mix of understanding, guilt, relief, anger...Leonard can only imagine the complex and conflicting feelings he’s trying to work through at the moment. Knowing that in moments like these that Jim needs his space, Leonard quietly scoots over to the edge of the bed, intending to climb out and leave the room. Instead, Jim reaches out a hand and grabs his wrist. He doesn’t need to say a word for Leonard to know what he’s asking for. He eases himself back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Jim from behind. As Leonard pulls him in as close as he can get him, Jim squeezes his arm in gratitude.

* * *

 

They’re both half asleep when the familiar pip of an incoming comm signal fills the room. Leonard swears aloud, rolling away from the sound. He groans, pressing his face into the crook of Jim’s neck. It does nothing to mask the sound, of course. Jim moans, shifting around so he’s lying on his back. Gently he pries Leonard off amidst his protests and sits up, presumably so he can see who the incoming video call is from. As the screen continues to chirp, demanding a response, Leonard realizes in his sleepy haze that Jim has yet to actually answer the call.

 

Sighing, Leonard reluctantly sits himself up to see Jim staring at the screen. He blinks the sleep from his eyes to read the name of the caller--  _ Dammit.  _ It’s Winona. Go figure she calls right when Jim’s finally getting some sleep.

 

But he certainly doesn’t want Jim to ignore the call, especially after whatever resentful and unpleasant message he left his mother earlier.

 

“Gawkin’ at it ain’t gon’ make it shut up, Jim. You wanna answer that?”

 

“Not particularly.”

 

“Too bad,” Leonard says in a tone that brokers no room for argument. “I think you owe her an apology. It’ll be good for you two to talk.”

 

Jim rolls his eyes like the infant he is. “Ugh, Bones. Please…” It’s a clear sign Jim knows he was in the wrong now, and Leonard knows he hates being wrong. In all fairness to Jim, it’s not an easy conversation to have. But he does have one thing to make it all easier...

 

“I’ll be right here if you need me, sugar,” Leonard assures him in a gentler tone. He wraps an arm around Jim and rubs his hand down his arm to comfort him.

 

Jim sighs. “Fine,” he answers, drawing the word out. Again, ever the infant.

 

With permission given, Leonard rubs his eyes and puts the call through for him. A moment later Winona’s face appears on screen. This time she’s in civvies, sitting in her quarters.

 

Her eyes go straight to Jim and a tight, sad smile crosses her features. “Jim,” she says, so adoringly. “Thank you for taking my call. I know you’re mad at me--”

 

“Not anymore. Not as much, anyway,” Jim says, cutting her off. He’s not quite looking in her eyes.

 

“I explained everything to him,” Leonard explains at Winona’s confused expression. 

 

Winona’s wide eyes turn toward him. “Thank you, Leonard. You really didn’t need to do that for me.” She shifts her attention back to Jim. “I’m sorry, Jim. It wasn’t my intention to make you--I never wanted you to feel like I’d broken your trust. But I know this is a really tough time for you, and with it being the ten year anniversary, I couldn’t sit by and do nothing.”

 

Jim nods, head cast down. “I know. I know, I just--”

 

“You’re very secretive about it, I know. I understand why.” Suddenly Leonard realizes what would happen if Jim was exposed as a Tarsus survivor, let alone one of the Tarsus Nine. Their identities are kept absolutely top-secret by the very few people who know any and all of them, but if word got out? The son of Starfleet’s hero, George Kirk...a survivor of the worst massacre in recent Federation history? No one would ever leave him or his mother alone. Journalists, historians, Fleet brass, the general public...anyone and everyone would begin digging into Tarsus again to find out more about Jim’s time on the colony and about the identities of the other eight Tarsus survivors. Those eight kids who are like Jim’s children and whose lives would be equally as uprooted if their identities were revealed.

 

And that’s not factoring in Jim’s very valid and personal reasons for wanting to keep his experiences to himself. Leonard doesn’t blame him for his secrecy. 

 

“Leonard’s a smart man,” Winona continues. “He just happened to figure it all out before anyone told him. He called me to talk about how best to approach you and that’s it.”

 

“I know,” Jim says. He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. “And I also know that you had to have set up a secure, long-distance connection in order to talk to Bones and me. That can’t have been easy…” He glances upward, looking her in the eye at last. Winona’s face breaks into a watery-eyed smile.

 

She shrugs. “Anything for you, kiddo. I just want to help you in whatever way I can. I wish there was more I could do.”

 

Jim smiles back. It’s a small smile and a little forced, but Leonard can see he’s trying. “I know you do. I appreciate it, mom.”

 

Leonard can see her face light up upon hearing Jim call her ‘mom.’ He gets it. The same thing happens to him when he sees Joanna and she calls him ‘daddy’. He’s always worried that she’ll stop calling him that, resenting him for not being more present in her life.

 

“So...we’re okay? You’re not still angry with me?” Winona asks with trepidation.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay. I’m not mad. The fact that you didn’t even tell Bones, even after he found out about everything...Thanks for letting me keep all that to myself until I was ready to talk about it.”

 

“I’m just glad you have someone you finally feel comfortable sharing it with. You two are good for each other, I can tell,” she says, a radiant warmth in her eyes and her smile.

 

To Leonard’s disbelief, Jim’s ears redden. He looks from his mother to Leonard and then he smiles, a shy and tender smile that is absolutely genuine. It’s a rare sight to see. Leonard’s heart flutters. “I know. I don’t know where I’d be without Bones,” he says, with utmost sincerity.

 

Leonard swallows hard, not sure what to say in response. But, feeling the need to lighten the mood before he starts crying like the damn sap he secretly is, he laughs. “I dunno who was worse off when we first got here: him with a bloody, broken nose and a ‘Devil may care’ attitude,” he says, jabbing a thumb in Jim’s direction, “or me, a drunken astraphobic enlisting in  _ Starfleet  _ because he was out of options.”

 

“Quite a pair you two must’ve been,” Winona says with a chuckle, looking between the two of them. 

 

“And now look at us,” Jim brightly replies, sounding much more like himself. With his typical Kirkian flare, Jim grins at the pair of them. “Graduating a year early and bound for the great unknown on Starfleet’s brand new flagship.” Leonard rolls his eyes.

 

Winona raises her thin, blonde eyebrows high. “Flagship, eh?”

 

“Please,” Leonard interjects. “That ain’t at all certain! He’s just bein’ a presumptuous, overly confident brat.”

 

“Wow, Bones, tell me how you  _ really  _ feel,” Jim sarcastically retorts, but he knows there’s no real bite to Leonard’s words.

 

His mother shakes her head, laughing. “I feel sorry for the captain who has to put up with you two.”

 

“Mom, no captain is gonna have to ‘put up with’ us because  _ I’m _ gonna  _ be  _ the captain.” Jim says, smug as ever.

 

“Ah, going straight to captain, are you?” Winona dubiously replies with a chuckle.

 

“Hell yeah, I am!”

 

Leonard folds his arms over his chest. “I would rather throw myself out the nearest  _ airlock  _ than be under your captaincy!”

 

“I love how loving and supportive you are, babe,” Jim says mockingly in response.

 

“Eat me.”

 

Jim opens his mouth to shoot back a witty reply but then pales as he realizes his mom is right there.

 

Leonard and Winona both bark out a laugh. 

 

“So,” Winona begins as the laughter dies down, “Leonard, did you tell him your idea for the weekend?”

 

“What about the weekend?” Jim blinks, looking from his mother to Leonard.

 

He isn’t sure why he’s just a little nervous to reveal his idea to Jim, but he is, and so he takes a breath to steady himself before he speaks. “I think we should go somewhere for the weekend. Get far away from the Academy. I was thinking we could leave tomorrow--”

 

Jim still looks confused, and now also a little shocked. “But classes, Bones.”

 

Leonard waves a hand. “Screw it, we’ll skip.”

 

“Bones?” Nothing but shock, now.

 

“I think it’s a wonderful idea, Jim. Get away from the Academy and any talk about...the anniversary,” Winona interjects, smiling softly.

 

“Yeah, no, it’s a great idea,” Jim says, shaking his head like he’s coming out of a trance. “Yeah, I was just surprised that it was Bones who suggested it,” he says, addressing his mother. He turns to Leonard. “You  _ hate _ the outdoors. And you  _ never _ skip class.”

 

“But  _ you don’t  _ hate the outdoors. And there’s no harm in skippin’ just a day of classes, especially if it’s for as legitimate an excuse as we have.”

 

“Well...okay, but where would we go?”

 

“I was thinking we could find a cabin to rent or go pitch a tent somewhere, but I was still trying to narrow down where to go. As you can imagine, since I ain’t much of one for campin’ and the outdoors, I got little idea how to plan that kind of trip.”

 

“Honestly, Bones, the better question is what  _ are  _ you much of one for?” Jim snarkily shoots back. Leonard shoots him a Look. Jim knows the one.

 

“Try Yosemite,” Winona cuts in unexpectedly, and both turn to look at her. Winona nods, continuing, “It’s got rock climbing, hiking, swimming, horseback riding, waterfalls, gorgeous views...There’s tons to do there.”

 

Jim turns to Bones excitedly. “ _ Rock climbing,  _ Bones!” he whispers with unbridled enthusiasm. Leonard sees a grin spread across Winona’s face at the joy on her son’s. He’ll pretend not to notice the shine in her eyes.

 

In his usual fashion, Leonard rolls his eyes and groans. “Lord, Jim, why you gotta go climbin’ goddamn rocks? You go out botherin’ everybody else and then you gotta go botherin’ nature,  _ too? _ ”

 

Winona bursts out laughing. Jim bumps his shoulder into Leonard’s.

 

“C’mon, Bones, don’t be such a Scrooge! I’ll teach you how while we’re there. It’ll be fun! We’ll use the safest, top-grade safety equipment, too, I promise!”

 

Leonard makes a show of his reluctant acquiescence, folding his arms and grumbling as he shakes his head. “Alright, Yosemite it is, then.”

 

Jim is ecstatic.

 

“If anything happens to me, though,” Leonard begins, addressing Winona now, “I want you to make sure my daughter knows that it was this asshole’s fault and not to follow her daddy’s lead and go fallin’ in love with reckless idiots.”

 

“You want me to use the word ‘asshole’?” Winona asks, schooling her expression to appear absolutely serious.

 

“You decide,” Leonard says, appearing equally as serious.

 

“Dad of the Year, right here, ‘ma,” Jim says, jabbing a thumb in Leonard’s direction.

 

Leonard shoots him another Look that could kill. “Why do I put up with you?” he sighs.

 

“Because I’m hilarious, giftedly intelligent, and most importantly: gorgeous?” Jim offers, pulling him in to plant a quick, chaste kiss on his lips.

 

Leonard pulls away, shaking his head. “No, that doesn’t sound quite right…”

 

“Well, looks like you two have your plans all set, and I’m beginning to feel like a bit of a third wheel here at this point. Why don’t I leave you boys to get ready for your getaway and check back in with you later?” Winona says, looking between the two of them affectionately. Leonard most assuredly does  _ not  _ see tears in her eyes. No, sir.

 

“Oh, you’re not--” Leonard hastens to tell her, not wanting her to feel like she’s being ejected from the conversation. They haven’t been speaking with her for long. He’d hate for her to go so soon when she gets so little time with Jim.

 

“We’ll call you and tell you all about it when we get back, ‘ma,” Jim cuts in to reassure her, giving her a warm and genuine smile.

 

Leonard’s heart swells with pride. Jim is opening up to his mom and actually offering to keep in touch with her without being asked to by anyone. It seems he’s on his way to mending his relationship with his mother.

 

Winona nods. Clearing her throat, she says, “Can’t wait,” voice thick with emotion. “I’m sure you’ll have quite the story for me.”

 

“I’ll give him this much: he  _ is  _ a good storyteller.” Leonard laughs lightly.

 

“Always was,” Winona wistfully replies. “Bye, boys. I’ll talk to you later. Have a wonderful trip.”

 

“Bye, Winona.”

 

“Bye, mom. And...I appreciate you looking out for me. And for letting me tell Bones myself.”

 

The Commander beams back at him, eyes watery. “I’m just so happy that you’re willing to still have me in your life, sweetheart.”

 

“Me, too,” Jim says softly. 

 

“Later, boys.” Winona waves, and then the connection is cut and all that’s left is a blank screen.

 

A moment of silence passes between them. Leonard manages to shut the screen off before Jim pulls him close and envelopes him in his arms.

 

“Thanks for making me do that.”

 

“I’m proud of you for doin’ it, darlin’.”

 

Jim leans in to steal another kiss, this one more tender and longer lasting than the previous one. 

 

Leonard’s lips spread into a lazy smile, and the dumb grin is still plastered on his face as they break apart. “Well, I suppose we should start gettin’ packed,” he says, even as his hand still remains on the side of Jim’s face, his fingers brushing the edge of his hairline on the back of his neck.

 

“Or,” Jim says mischievously, “we could lay here a little longer.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” Leonard coyly replies, thumb tracing Jim’s lips gently.

 

Jim reaches up and grabs his hand, gently placing a kiss on it. “And by ‘lay here’ I mean fuck,” he bluntly adds, that stupid-ass grin Leonard knows so well splitting across his face.

 

“God, you  _ tact _ less idiot,” Leonard groans with an overly dramatic roll of the eyes. “What ever happened to proper romancin’?”

 

Jim huffs impatiently, very nearly rolling his eyes in a very Leonard-like manner. “Fuck, Bones, just get over here already!” Jim says, grabbing his wrist and pulling Leonard back into bed. He barks out a laugh as he climbs on top of Jim. Carding a hand through Jim’s sandy blond hair, he dips his head and plants a searing, passionate kiss on those beautiful lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the little tip of the hat to 'Fuck the Police' and to the scene from The Final Frontier movie, where they do go to Yosemite, Jim climbs some cliffs, and Bones naturally loses his shit thinking his idiot captain is gonna kill himself.
> 
> Now, if you guys would like me to write a follow up fic for this involving their trip to Yosemite, I might be game depending on the response I get from y'all and factoring in a short break cause I'd need some time to break and also to get some ideas flowing and some words on a Google doc, haha. But lemme know if you'd be interested via comment or DM!
> 
> And as always, pretty please leave comments and/or kudos to let me know you enjoyed this! Your comments always brighten my day so much and it's so great to know my work's appreciated. So if you can spare even a quick "great job!" or share a favorite quote from the story or what have you, that would be fantastic!
> 
> Thank you all SO MUCH!

**Author's Note:**

> Well if you're enjoying the story so far and want more, folks, then please leave a kudos, leave a comment, subscribe, and keep a look out for the next part soon! I'll probably have it out in about a week!


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